Happiness - how can you feel it more everyday?

It's a very rare occassion that I might blog about something with great politcal and social implication. However, that broader context can at times affect our day to day lives and our sense of empowerment. While perusing the various online news magazines this morning I came across an article that made me think about how the social and political environment affects our happiness as individuals.

An article in Newsweek "Blacks are getting happier" makes some great points about increasing happiness. The writer notes that blacks are getting happier and whites are not. While I do not believe any one race ought to have a corner on the happiness markets, there are some valid, tangiable and intangiable, reasons why this is occurring.

"...it is clear that what has changed most are things that we cannot measure, and which spring from rights, heightened status, and erosion of prejudice. Stevenson and Wolfers write: “Our study illustrates that the fruits of the civil rights movement may lay in other, more difficult to document, improvements in the quality of life.” It makes sense that respect and esteem can lift your spirits. It may also translate into an ongoing optimism: a Gallup poll taken this year found 63 percent of blacks thought their standard of living was getting better; 41 percent of whites did."

Another point made is with regard to women, expectations and reality. Women have come a long way in 100 years but stagnation in social attitudes and economic policy frustrates the road to equality still.

So here we are, one day after the 90th anniversary of women gaining voting rights in America and one day before the 47th anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech (If you've never heard it in it's entirety I recommend you watch/listen), I ask you to reflect on how far you have come, how far you might need to go, and what you can do to get there.

The value and importance of these two landmark events, the struggles that lead to them, and how we can use this to benefit ourselves and our communities are worth a few minutes of consideration.

Let's get happier!

Here's the link to the article: http://www.newsweek.com/2010/08/27/baird-blacks-whites-and-the-happiness-gap.html?from=rss

Karma?

I have often toyed with the idea of Karma. Whether or not you believe in a higher power, God or what have you, almost everyone believes that there is balance in the universe. At some point, we will be rewarded for our thoughtful and kind behavior. I take this belief seriously for two reasons:
1) I'd rather err on the side of goodness.
2) It feels good to be thoughtful and kind.

In the past few days I have needed to speak with technical representatives about my website about 3 times. With each of these contacts I received a survey in my email to rate my experience.

Luckily, I was very pleased. As I filled out the surveys I thought about how important it was to do so. Not necessarily so the company can "improve customer service" but because the people who worked with me deserved the recognition.

I always take their name down and in the comments section of the survey I refer to him or her by name and explain specifically why I was happy with their help. I also thought about how I would respond if I was not pleased. I considered Karma. If I am not embellishing or speaking through my anger, I am erring on the side of goodness. This will hopefully be returned to me someday in some form when needed. If not it still feels good to be thoughtful and kind.

So, I want to encourage you to please fill out these surveys and use the following tips:
1) Use the reps. name whenever possible in your response
2) Seperate the rep. from the company if your problem cannot be resolved
3) Say something specific about why the rep. pleased you
4) If you were not happy with the rep. say so in an objective and helpful way

There are lots of other ways to let a company or service provier know you are happy/unhappy. But when that survey comes to your inbox consider Karma before you delete it.

Never miss an opportunity to have the Gods smile upon you!

Appreciating differences

In a New York Times opinion piece this week, columnist Maureen Dowd discusses the stunting of our personal growth through our carefully selective approach to association.

I agree with her. In fact, more and more we, individuals that is, close ourselves off from people who do not think like us, or do not come from similar circumstances, share our belief systems, etc. More and more, we are preventing not only our personal growth but our social and societal evolution.

A few years back some social scientists did a study. They presented a group of people, with mixed political views, the opportunity to read some information that they agreed with or read information that was different from their views. In 67% of instances, the respondents chose to read a viewpoint that they agreed with. Now you may say, of course they would. People like to have their ideas validated that is part of the human condition.

But overall, it prevents us from growing, from understanding and respecting one another. Imagine you were in a library, and the only books available were books you already read. How would you learn? You may have beliefs and ideas that will never change or be only slightly modified as you grow older. That's OK. But we have opportunities to learn and build alliances with all kinds of people throughout our lives. We may choose not to once we have all the information, but choosing not to acquire that information will only be a hindrance.

There was an episode of the Twilight Zone where an intemperate man wished everyone were like him. When he awoke the next day his wish came true. He was completely miserable. The world grows and develops and progresses through differences and learning how to live, manage, and respect them. When you have the opportunity to meet or talk to someone who has an opposing viewpoint or appears to fit an unflattering stereotype, take the time to know him or her as an individual. Expand your understanding and it will be returned in the manner of stronger relationships and better understanding of those who inhabit this world.


link to the article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/11/opinion/11dowd.html

Unknown Unknowns

This past week there was a five part series on a phenomenon called Anosognosia in the New York Times by Errol Morris. Anosognosia is the term used for people who have a brain injury that causes paralysis AND also leaves them unaware of the paralysis. This is interesting because when you ask someone with this condition to move their paralyzed limb they will simply give you a reason why they do not need to, rather than say "oh you know I can't do that, it's paralyzed." The question for psychiatrists is whether this is part of the injury or some other deeply ingrained defense mechanism. So far the jury is still out.

This got me thinking about ways in which we are unaware of things as well. Don Rumsfeld, several years ago used the phrase "Unknown Unknowns." Some people scoffed at the usage but it has important ramifications, especially in our everyday life. We operate under three conditions:
Known - Knowns; which is the stuff we are aware of and know fully.
Known - Unknowns; which is stuff we are aware of but have no knowledge about (like how to fly a plane or perform brain surgery)
Unknown - Unknowns; these are things in which we aren't even aware of their existence AND we don't know that we are unware of them. A good example of this I think comes from the banking industry. Prior to 2008 few people had heard of a credit default swap and didn't know they'd never heard of it. That is an unknown unknown. Once we heard of it, it became a known unknown. Another exmaple; remember as a child when you first began school. You knew there was such a thing as the alphabet and math but you were very likely unaware of calculus, nor were you aware that you were unaware of it. At some point during middle school or high school the word and concept became known to you, etc.

So what does this all mean? Most of our day is spent operating within the parameters of known knowns, and known unknowns. Sometimes we turn those unknowns (perhaps learning to fly a plane) into a known. But we are often completely oblivious to the fact that we could randomly learn about something that we currently have no idea of it's existence. Sounds confusing? It doesn't need to be. When we find out about something years later (like those default swaps) we say, "why didn't I know that?" or "I can't believe I trusted that guy with my money!" But rather than experiencing guilt or anger at the unknown unknown, it's important to recognize that at the time you made a decision, you made it with all the knowledge that was available to you at that time.

My challenge to you now is, seek out an unknown unknown. How can you do that? In many ways in fact and the internet is a wonderful place to start. Choose a phrase or a period in history or subject like Physics and do a search. You are bound to come across something that makes you think "I never knew that, and I never knew I didn't know it." You can make this journey of discovery fun. Be open, be in learner mode and you'll begin to recognize when something goes from being an unknown unknown to a known unknown and ultimately a known known.

link to the NYT article: http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/20/the-anosognosics-dilemma-1/?scp=1&sq=anosognosia&st=cse

Clarifying What Matters To You

Lately, I've been presenting workshops on creating your Visual Empowerment Map. Part of that process includes clarifying your goals. For example, one of my attendees wants to have more leisure time and build a new business. Clarification of the goals came from the realization that leisure time would follow as the business became successful and she could afford to take more vacations, etc. She really only had to work on one thing, not two.

Recently I was invited to a demonstration and offer to join a multi level marketing team (MLM). While the company had a product to sell, the sales pitch was all about just signing up more people to that business in order to earn more money. Interesting, sure. Good earning potential, yup, that was there too. However, I sensed that the woman presenting was having difficulty understanding why I didn't want in on this opportunity.

Lots of people want to earn extra money and I'm guilty of that too! But for me, coaching is where I am most authentic. Leading my workshops and partnering with clients so that they live every day empowered to be who and what they most desire. No product, no MLM can do that for me. It was actually kind of difficult to get this point across but it was important.

Clarifying who you are and what you want most, then going out and getting it, is part of how we become satisfied in our lives. Taking on a business opportunity like the one I was offered is great for a lot of people. But it was not for me. My goal is to build a network of friends, clients, workshop attendees and business associates who are living authentically (whatever that means for them). That's the goal I have clarified for myself.

Deciding what is the best way for you to express your authenticity and reaching your goals (personal and financial) is a journey. It's one you can take on your own, with friends or even with a coach. But it's yours. So whatever you take on, be authentic in your choice. If someone else doesn't understand it then that means they are on a journey different from yours, even if your destinations are the same.

"Do what you love, the money will follow." -Marsha Sinetar

Visual Empowerment Map

So, the workshop this past Sunday was great. It was small but everyone got something out of it. I'm very happy that it was a success. I'll be booking more workshops on creating your visual empowerment map. I've also learned a thing or two about this particular process since this was my first official workshop on the subject. First, you don't have to actually bring all the supplies. As a matter of fact, nobody used a single one. But what was learned during the discussion of the process and each person's experience contributing to it was priceless.

All of the participants shared their goals and their story and learned from eachother as well. That is a beautiful thing to achieve because we all can learn from one another no matter how different we may think we are.

Please contact me for more information on this process. I truly believe in it and your ability to use it to become successful in whatever you choose.

A little self compassion

With kindness, with love and compassion, with this feeling that is the essence of brotherhood, sisterhood, one will have inner peace.
Dalai Lama

Compassion is something many of us strive to achieve. It means that we can feel, empathize, and understand another's suffering and physical or emotional pain. But often we fail to have this same compassion with ourselves. When we fail at something our little voice tells us we are failures or stupid and that we should give up. Nothing could be further from the truth. Failure and mistakes are part of life. This is what we tell our friends and family when we comfort them during troubled times. Failures and mistakes, while part of our existence, are not what defines us. They are but one facet of a multi-faceted existence. So what can we do to take our own advice, to apply some of that compassion to ourselves?

We need to consider a few things here; We make mistakes! It's true but what does it really mean? It means we are like everyone else and it's OK to be that way. As human beings we are more alike than different anyway. When we do not accept ourselves, when we deny ourselves compassion we are separating from the world. By doing so we remain in our compassion-less space, alone.

There is a simple question I have my clients ask themselves at moments like this; "What would you say to your friend in this same situation?" Then take your own advice. Self compassion occurs when we examine our failures and disappointments without criticism or judgment. We say to ourselves "I made a mistake" or "I failed at this thing that was important to me." Recognizing the reality is the first step. Step two is offering the understanding and comfort you would to a friend and knowing you deserve that much. Acknowledging that you are not perfect but that this failure or disappointment is momentary. Also bear in mind you are not alone and perhaps you can reach out to someone who shares this experience to find out how he or she overcame it.

Self-compassion is an important part of the journey toward growth. Without it we get stuck in a loop of negative thoughts and punishments. We begin to actually believe that we deserve all the hardships and disappoinments. Instead, what we could be doing is using these experiences as challenges to learn and to grow from. To recognize our own humanity and accept it. You owe it to yourself to apply the same compassion that you have given so freely to others.

If you would like some guidance toward your goal of self comapssion and self acceptance please contact me, I'd love to be a part of that.

Please leave your thoughts and comments, I'd love to hear the lessons you've learned while on this journey.

Bold Steps Toward Making Change Happen

"Freedom lies in being bold. "
Robert Frost

What does it mean to take a bold step? Sometimes in certain situations baby steps are required. For example, when you begin a new exercise regimen you can't go full blast or you could get injured. But taking that first step toward any change IS BOLD!

In any new endeavor the boldest step you can take is the first step. It's why the procrastinator will start their diet tomorrow. They don't take bold steps toward anything. Once you take the first step you are committed. The outcome may be unknown, you may succeed, you may fail you just don't know. But if you are envisioning change and success that first bold step must be taken.

Worrying about the worst possible outcome does nothing to move you toward your intended goal. Telling yourself that considering the negative outcome is preparing for it "just in case" is important. As the saying goes say "hope for the best, prepare for the worst." Great, that's why they make insurance.

But to be successful you must envision your success; to see your life as it will be when success is accomplished and to know what life will look like for you when your dream comes true. The only way for that to happen is to keep your focus on that outcome. Believe in your vision, whatever it may be, and take that first BOLD step and you'll be on your way to fearlessley making your vision a reality!

New Workshops Scheduled

I have two new workshops scheduled and I'm very excited about them. Both are taking place at the Center for Relaxation & Healing at Plainsboro. But you don't have be involved with the center to attend these workshops. These two workshops are all about becoming empowered in the everyday.

Workshop 1: Creating Positive Relationships with Food - February 22, 2010 from 7:00pm to 8:30 pm. This workshop is about you finding your inner strengths and the truly unlimited options that you possess to cope with stressful and emotional events in your life.

Workshop 2: Creating Your Visual Empowerment Map. My previous post referred to this as a Visual Empowerment Plan. I have decided to go with "map" because it's more intuitive. March 7, 2010, from 11:00am to 1:00pm. This is a 2 hour workshop, hands on, where you get to start creating your VEM.

RSVP and registration is required for both workshops. Please go to my website to the Calendar tab for more details. See you there!

Visual Empowerment Plan

So I am starting a new project and I'm pretty excited about it. I am excited for a few reasons. First, because it's really something brand new that I have not done before. Also because it's fun and I get to have workshops and seminars on this topic. It's life coaching meets arts and crafts! If you have ever heard of or seen a vision board you'll understand that a Visual Empowerment Plan is something like that but goes a little further. Vision boards are great and they keep us focused on our goals and on winning our games, whatever they may be. Vision boards help to activate certain thinking patterns which is also known as Law of Attraction.

I have found, however, that many people confuse Law of Attraction with just thinking positive and good thoughts. That's really only part of it. Law of Attraction is so much more. I have heard some naysayers go on about how it sets us up for disappointment because bad things really do happen sometimes. But Law of Attraction isn't what they say it is. If you look back at my first blog about reframing words and ideas to be positive you'll see a very simple method of how it works. It's not about ignoring or pretending something isn't happening or hoping it will go away if you don't pay attention to it. It's about changing your perspective. In other words, opening up for the positive. When you remove the words or ideas that elicit negative emotions and replace them with positive one's you attract not just positive events but also a more optimistic outlook. It's not about lying to yourself but it is about making sure that you are paying attention to what's good out there. You "attract" positive people and circumstances not because you've magically made them appear but because you are now attentive to their existence. Plus, of course we know that happy begets happy. Smiles are contagious and so is confidence and optimism.

What better way to make that happen than by creating your own Visual Empowerment Plan. This is not just a vision board. It's not about cutting out pictures and words that remind you of your goal and motivate you to reach it. This is more. A Visual Empowerment Plan is your map that begins today and takes you through to your goal. It doesn't have a timeframe unless you want it to. It does contain some vision board elements, like a board and pictures. But there is more power in it than that. On your Visual Empowerment Plan you include not just representations of what you want but representations of what you have, what you need, and what you'll do.

If you want to achieve better health a picture of healthy food or smaller bathing suit isn't enough. You will look at your Visual Empowerment Plan and be inspired to utilize all the tools you have. To go certain places, engage with certain people, have specific experiences, etc. So here is an outline and I am deliberately keeping it somewhat vague because this is YOUR Visual Empowerment Plan and it's your creation.

Of course you need a board or something. If you are really creative and have a home office, dedicate an entire wall to this - go wild! Here is the part that is similar to a vision board. Pictures, photos, cut outs, prints from the internet - whatever - of things that represent your goal (health, finance, relationships...). Ok that's it for similarities.

Here's what else you should include. Representations of skills, knowledge, inspirations, people, places that are already part of your life that will help you reach your goal (family, friends, partner, meditation center...). Something that represents your progress. When you look at your Visual Empowerment Plan you are not only motivated to reach your goal but learn to appreciate who you are, what you have that inspires you, and acknowledge your achievements or how far you've come. How you choose to have these things represented is up to you. You can use photos, you can draw, paint, use crayons anything that expresses who you are.

There is only one hard and fast rule with any of these plans. Nothing negative! No red circle with a line through it, none of that. Only images of your strenghts, the people and places that elevate you and build those strengths or teach you new one's, and the goal. Your plan can be huge (a wall) or poster sized and it can include as many or as few images as you like. But it must elicit those positive emotions that inspire and motivate you to achieve whatever it is you plan.

Oh, one last thing. There is no time frame to create your Visual Empowerment Plan. Take an hour, a weekend, a week, whatever, but complete it. And feel free to change it or make a new one with every new goal.

Now have some fun and let me know how it goes!

Peer Pressure and your kids

Peer pressure is a serious issue. As the school year begins and your child is surrounded by many types of children for much of the day there is increased opportunity for peer pressure to rear it's head. Your child wants to fit in with his or her friends and their acceptance is important. They may not tell you when they are being pressured. There are many mixed messages that teens get from many places; friends, media, even parents. Let's face it, kids want to be cool and that mostly means being like whomever they think is cool. Being aware of who your children look up to is vital. It is also vital that you do more than just talk to them about what makes that icon or a friend someone worth emulating or not. Prevention should start before they reach their teens but that doesn't mean it's too late.

There are many things that teens and young adults will engage in due to peer pressure. From binge drinking to drugs, acting up in public within a group to sexual activity, weight loss, style of dress, increasing muscles (possible steroid use) and a whole host of other things. Some of these behaviors may make your teen feel: like an adult, popular, loved, cool, macho, feminine, like part of a special group... Most of these behaviors have negative consequences for an inexperienced young adult. Knowing that they can reject something and still have friends is a difficult concept for teens and young adults because often it may mean acquiring a new set of friends.

There are many ways to empower your children to resist peer pressure, maintain or improve their confidence, build personal strengths, and still have an exciting network of positive friendships. Remember these are difficult days for teens. Maintain awareness of the uniqueness of your child. However, that doesn't mean that you should be backing down from what you feel is right and
appropriate for your children. You are your children's guide through their life. Standing your ground is a way to model the very behavior your want your children to engage it when the time comes. You will have valid reasons for doing so and it will translate even if they don't quite believe it at the moment.

So what are some of the things you can do to help your child make the right decisions?

• Help your child practice making his or her own choices in a group.

• Recognize and acknowledge when your child makes a good choice in the face of a tough decision.

• Explain to your child that people value strength and uniqueness (have examples ready of people you value and why).

• Allow them to express what they feel when they are under pressure (fear, anxiety...). Let them know it's OK to feel that way while still making the right decision and standing firm.

• Remind your child that he or she has the right to resist the pressure.

• Real friends appreciate their strength.

With each successful “resistance” your child will gain confidence in their right and ability to make their own choice. Research shows that with each successful choice we increase our inner strength and sense of independence in decision making. This is very important, especially as children graduate from High School and move on to college, particularly if they are leaving
home to do so.


What are some of the things you can do as a parent if peer pressure is present?

• Be aware of what your child is up to. Changes in behavior, grades, attitude, are all tell tale signs that something is up. Talk about it.

• Be communicative. Spend time with your teen, provide guidance, love and support.

• Be engaged. Know what they are doing, where they go and who they are with, what movies they see, etc.

• Be the parent. It's great to have an open and understanding relationship with your teen. And you will have moments where you feel like pals, and that's good. But don't be afraid to correct your teen when necessary. You are still the parent. (All those negative feelings you are instructing your child to look out for when being pressured are the same feelings you have when engaged in the unpleasant task of discipline and correction). Maintain your strength.

• Don't make it a power struggle. As your child reaches his or her young adulthood they will want to show their independence. Let them, but not at the expense of engaging in detrimental behaviors.

Always demonstrate your love for you child. This may seem like a no brainer but it should be said. Having a safe environment to return to for any teen is of the utmost importance.

These are basic tips and guidelines for helping your teen resist peer pressure and move past it. You are a role model to your children. They will learn from you. Building your own strength and confidence will empower them to do the same. Each family and each child is unique. There is no real cookie cutter way to manage these situations however these are some of the starting points.

Please share your thoughts and experiences with the blog.