Peer Pressure and your kids

Peer pressure is a serious issue. As the school year begins and your child is surrounded by many types of children for much of the day there is increased opportunity for peer pressure to rear it's head. Your child wants to fit in with his or her friends and their acceptance is important. They may not tell you when they are being pressured. There are many mixed messages that teens get from many places; friends, media, even parents. Let's face it, kids want to be cool and that mostly means being like whomever they think is cool. Being aware of who your children look up to is vital. It is also vital that you do more than just talk to them about what makes that icon or a friend someone worth emulating or not. Prevention should start before they reach their teens but that doesn't mean it's too late.

There are many things that teens and young adults will engage in due to peer pressure. From binge drinking to drugs, acting up in public within a group to sexual activity, weight loss, style of dress, increasing muscles (possible steroid use) and a whole host of other things. Some of these behaviors may make your teen feel: like an adult, popular, loved, cool, macho, feminine, like part of a special group... Most of these behaviors have negative consequences for an inexperienced young adult. Knowing that they can reject something and still have friends is a difficult concept for teens and young adults because often it may mean acquiring a new set of friends.

There are many ways to empower your children to resist peer pressure, maintain or improve their confidence, build personal strengths, and still have an exciting network of positive friendships. Remember these are difficult days for teens. Maintain awareness of the uniqueness of your child. However, that doesn't mean that you should be backing down from what you feel is right and
appropriate for your children. You are your children's guide through their life. Standing your ground is a way to model the very behavior your want your children to engage it when the time comes. You will have valid reasons for doing so and it will translate even if they don't quite believe it at the moment.

So what are some of the things you can do to help your child make the right decisions?

• Help your child practice making his or her own choices in a group.

• Recognize and acknowledge when your child makes a good choice in the face of a tough decision.

• Explain to your child that people value strength and uniqueness (have examples ready of people you value and why).

• Allow them to express what they feel when they are under pressure (fear, anxiety...). Let them know it's OK to feel that way while still making the right decision and standing firm.

• Remind your child that he or she has the right to resist the pressure.

• Real friends appreciate their strength.

With each successful “resistance” your child will gain confidence in their right and ability to make their own choice. Research shows that with each successful choice we increase our inner strength and sense of independence in decision making. This is very important, especially as children graduate from High School and move on to college, particularly if they are leaving
home to do so.


What are some of the things you can do as a parent if peer pressure is present?

• Be aware of what your child is up to. Changes in behavior, grades, attitude, are all tell tale signs that something is up. Talk about it.

• Be communicative. Spend time with your teen, provide guidance, love and support.

• Be engaged. Know what they are doing, where they go and who they are with, what movies they see, etc.

• Be the parent. It's great to have an open and understanding relationship with your teen. And you will have moments where you feel like pals, and that's good. But don't be afraid to correct your teen when necessary. You are still the parent. (All those negative feelings you are instructing your child to look out for when being pressured are the same feelings you have when engaged in the unpleasant task of discipline and correction). Maintain your strength.

• Don't make it a power struggle. As your child reaches his or her young adulthood they will want to show their independence. Let them, but not at the expense of engaging in detrimental behaviors.

Always demonstrate your love for you child. This may seem like a no brainer but it should be said. Having a safe environment to return to for any teen is of the utmost importance.

These are basic tips and guidelines for helping your teen resist peer pressure and move past it. You are a role model to your children. They will learn from you. Building your own strength and confidence will empower them to do the same. Each family and each child is unique. There is no real cookie cutter way to manage these situations however these are some of the starting points.

Please share your thoughts and experiences with the blog.

Workshop Roundup

This evening was my workshop at the Sayreville Public Library here in New Jersey. The turnout was great so thanks to you all for coming and participating.

We covered some standard topics such as non-judgmental awareness, self compassion and self acceptance. By and large the biggest issue for most of the participants was parenting related. No big surprise actually. But one question stood out regarding self acceptance and I wanted to share it with you.

The question, which was a great one, was a concern that self acceptance may just be a cop out for messing up. To say it plainly it isn't, but I understand the thinking behind the concern. In truth to gain a level of self acceptance requires an exercise in non-judgmental awareness first. It means seriously evaluating an event with all it's components, including one's own responsibility. Once you do that you make a mental note of what could have been different, what was overlooked, what your responsibility in it was and how to make a similar situation work out differently in the future (it's not absolution, it's learning). Self acceptance comes after we do this and we accept that we are not perfect and do make mistakes and so do others. This of course is easier said (written) than done.

The issue was brought up within the discussion of parenting insofar as it's a convenient way to not take responsibility when not doing all you can as a parent. In this context however, any excuse will do. So true self acceptance is never truly achieved. The final point regarding mistakes and missteps in parenting is that by acknowledging your previous shortcomings and accepting them (after all, you can't go back and change the past) you are not dwelling on them. By not dwelling on them you are more available to your family.

Dwelling or ruminating keeps us locked in this negative place and prevents us from learning and moving forward in a positive manner. Taking the time to honestly review without judgments and awareness that we are not perfect opens us up to new learning. This is what leads to self acceptance and empowerment.

In all that you do, especially as parents, you do the best you can with what you've got. Some people have more than others this is true. However, an honest assessment of what you've got or had after the fact is an insight. But it's not an open invitation to beat yourself up as a parent. You do the best you can with what you've got and if something else comes along down the road that you didn't know was there before you can't go take vacation on the guilt trip lollipop. It's what Don Rumsfeld called "an unknown unknown."

Ultimately self acceptance, as a parent, a friend, a professional or anything else will not be achieved if it's used as an excuse. Because deep down the person "copping out" does not truly accept himself/herself and is rationalizing. True self acceptance occurs when we accept our flaws as well as our strengths internally rather than demanding acceptance externally.

Please post your comments, stories and/or experiences on this topic. I look forward to reading them.