Some things are just too easy

More and more I find myself posting other people's blogs and news stories. It's not that I've become lazy, the truth is, other people have great things to say. I think it's important to share them. I subscribe to a blog from Marla Tabaka, I've mentioned her before, and she says some great stuff. Since she is a life and a business coach and I suspect, because she writes for Inc.com, that she leans a bit more toward business. That's not to say that her blogs are not useful for everyone though.

Here is a list of 20 questions Marla posted, to ask yourself about a winning attitude. You don't have to be a business owner to want to say TRUE to these. In fact, these are things you can ask yourself for almost any situation. Take a few minutes and read them over, decide what your score is. And of course, I'm here to coach you to get to "TRUE" on all 20 questions.

1. When I think about my vision I feel confident and eager to achieve it. Sometimes it feels like it has already come to fruition!
2. I have a clear picture of the steps I will take to achieve my vision and have confidence that I will learn from and conquer any barriers that may come into the picture.
3. I’m aware of my weaknesses but also know how to leverage my greatest strengths.
4. I have the ability to adjust my plan with optimism when unexpected events come into the picture.
5. When I speak with others I project a positive, excited and confident attitude.
6. I am able to listen to the dreams and hopes of another without interrupting them with my own thoughts.
7. I can accept the need for change in a calm, positive manner.
8. When people disagree with me I allow them their opinion and listen and speak calmly, rather than trying to force my perspective on them.
9. I refrain from judging others.
10. I can convert my fearful thoughts into motivating energy and belief in myself.
11. I consider all possible outcomes and perspectives when I create and implement my plans.
12. I make sure to spend time in the activities (outside of work) that are most important to me.
13. I take good care of myself by eating well, exercising and enjoying lots of laughter!
14. I am able to still my mind and connect with whatever higher power I believe in on a daily basis.
15. I am aware of my values and honor them when I make my plans and decisions.
16. I surround myself with people who support and encourage my success.
17. I take time to contribute to the success of others.
18. When I have an “off day” I am able to accept myself anyway and know that I have the power to change how I feel.
19. I am realistic in my outlook, but willing to step outside of my “comfort zone” to take some risk.
20. I surround myself with resources and helpful people rather than keeping everything to myself and trying to do it all alone.

If you answered “true” to at least 15 of these questions, you’ve got great “attitude”! If you are at 100% you have a Million Dollar Mindset – welcome to the club!

http://www.inc.com/marla-tabaka/got-attitude.html

Managing Holiday Season Stress

Research dating from 2004 to the present show that finances are the #1 cause of stress all year round but most importantly around the holidays. As the holidays approach our stressors are exacerbated by demands to buy gifts, entertain, etc. Credit card debt, the poor economy and family responsibilities seem to conspire against us and increase our stress level. Many people cope with stress by making unhealthy food choices, arguing with loved ones, becoming depressed or some combination of all of these. Poor coping behaviors don’t actually reduce our stress. In fact, they can add to it.

This holiday season is an especially difficult one for many of us. Perhaps this is just another difficult holiday added to the list of difficult holidays over the last few years. Business has slowed down, some people are out of work and yet these demands remain. You might be asking yourself how you can get your holiday shopping done without breaking the bank, without disappointing your children or other family members. Demands to conform or to buy the latest hot item for your kids may be undermining your ability to effectively deal with stress. Parental guilt caused by not buying that item is short term. Setting realistic financial goals for your holiday spending is the first and most important step and will have long term effects including teaching coping strategies and decision making skills to your children.

Here are a few of the most common tips to reduce holiday stress:

Identify the stress, evaluate your responses to that stress, make changes where necessary incrementally, first one behavior, then the next. Only by recognizing and tackling these issues one at a time can you make real and lasting changes. When you feel that you must change it all overnight you increase your stress and anxiety.

As I said before; set realistic goals for what you want to achieve this holiday season. Being realistic, not being drawn in by marketing or media messages, about what you need or must have will help you stay on track. If finances are an issue create a budget and stick to it.

Keep it in perspective. Check your stressors over the long term, where do they fit in, how impactful are they really? If the stress you are feeling is restricted to this holiday season then you can let it go more easily. The impact is minimal and studies show that even under stressful conditions most people feel good about their holidays when they are spent with loved ones. Knowing that you will too can help alleviate some of the stress and anxiety of holiday demands.

Remember what’s really important this holiday season (hint: it’s not in the amount of money you spend). In these difficult times our family and friends and the support we give one another is priceless and that’s what makes holidays memorable!

Finally, please remember, there are always people less fortunate than you or I. Share your gifts or volunteer your time to help them this holiday season. The gift of giving is the greatest gift of all.

Self acceptance for a stress free holiday season

Thanksgiving is upon us and that means the beginning of the holiday shopping and entertaining season as well. This can be a very stressful time for some but it doesn't have to be. One of the hallmarks of my coaching practice is to work with clients to develop feelings of self acceptance. But what does that have to do with Thanksgiving and the holidays you may ask. Well, the answer is simple; a good amount of stress comes from the desire to please others especially around the holidays. The truth is, you can't please everyone and most people know that but that doesn't keep the stress away. Practicing self acceptance is one of the ways in which holiday stress can be minimized or eradicated completely.

Holidays are a time when we get together with loved ones and then complain about it for the rest of the year (maybe).

Through the process of developing self acceptance one can easily recognize and acknowledge whatever missteps might have been taken without all self directed anger. We all make errors in judgment and there will always be others who criticize us for whatever reason they may have. Through self acceptance you will be able to say to yourself or to others, "OK that didn't go as planned but I am still a worthwhile and valuable person." That's really it in a nutshell. Spend a few minutes every day (this season or forever) reminding yourself that you are not the totality of your mistake or others criticisms. You are a whole and worthwhile valuable person even when you make mistakes. Viewing others in this light will also be helpful and go a long way in allowing you to enjoy your holidays and your family gatherings.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Self acceptance blog from the Albert Ellis Institute:
http://rebtinstitute.org/blog/2010/11/15/self-acceptance/

Procrastinating - putting off happiness and your goals

Procrastination is something we all do at one time or another. Sometimes it helps us prepare for a big moment like having that dreaded conversation with the boss. Other times it just puts off something that may be a bit painful but completely worth it, like a doctors visit or a trip to the dentist. But there is a different kind of procrastination and it's what we do when we fear change.

Change can be scary but we know at times it is a necessity. There are so many ways changes manifest and some of them are welcome and exciting (new marriage, new baby) and others challenge us (ok, new marriage, new baby, too) like starting a new job, or leaving one to start a business. We also procrastinate in our personal lives when the thing we put off is the thing that will bring us the happiness and satisfaction we crave and deserve.

The longer we put off the thing we want most, the further away it will feel. Putting it off again, because it seems so far away anyway, just makes it feel even further away. Eventually, this procrastination can lead to a feeling of hopelessness and impossibility. Making the change is going to be hard, and emotional. You my think "who knows if I'll get what I want now, it's been so long." But is this really true? Ask yourself, is there something I want that I am putting off? What will my life look like when I make this move?

Taking big steps and making big changes may be difficult at first. You'll be challenged emotionally, I promise you that. But will you regret it? Probably not. Therein lies the question to ask yourself when you put off the things you know must be done. Once you can honestly say that you will not regret this very scary, big step, you can take the step. Fear is natural. It's expected and what connects us as human beings. Putting off happiness is also something that is uniquely human and it's also something that doesn't bring any happiness or satisfaction at all.

Procrastination is just a short reprieve from fear. Living life to it's fullest means embracing fear, accepting it, and then moving past it. So take that leap, whatever it may be and don't put off your happiness or life satisfaction for one more minute.

Clarifying What Matters To You

Lately, I've been presenting workshops on creating your Visual Empowerment Map. Part of that process includes clarifying your goals. For example, one of my attendees wants to have more leisure time and build a new business. Clarification of the goals came from the realization that leisure time would follow as the business became successful and she could afford to take more vacations, etc. She really only had to work on one thing, not two.

Recently I was invited to a demonstration and offer to join a multi level marketing team (MLM). While the company had a product to sell, the sales pitch was all about just signing up more people to that business in order to earn more money. Interesting, sure. Good earning potential, yup, that was there too. However, I sensed that the woman presenting was having difficulty understanding why I didn't want in on this opportunity.

Lots of people want to earn extra money and I'm guilty of that too! But for me, coaching is where I am most authentic. Leading my workshops and partnering with clients so that they live every day empowered to be who and what they most desire. No product, no MLM can do that for me. It was actually kind of difficult to get this point across but it was important.

Clarifying who you are and what you want most, then going out and getting it, is part of how we become satisfied in our lives. Taking on a business opportunity like the one I was offered is great for a lot of people. But it was not for me. My goal is to build a network of friends, clients, workshop attendees and business associates who are living authentically (whatever that means for them). That's the goal I have clarified for myself.

Deciding what is the best way for you to express your authenticity and reaching your goals (personal and financial) is a journey. It's one you can take on your own, with friends or even with a coach. But it's yours. So whatever you take on, be authentic in your choice. If someone else doesn't understand it then that means they are on a journey different from yours, even if your destinations are the same.

"Do what you love, the money will follow." -Marsha Sinetar

A little self compassion

With kindness, with love and compassion, with this feeling that is the essence of brotherhood, sisterhood, one will have inner peace.
Dalai Lama

Compassion is something many of us strive to achieve. It means that we can feel, empathize, and understand another's suffering and physical or emotional pain. But often we fail to have this same compassion with ourselves. When we fail at something our little voice tells us we are failures or stupid and that we should give up. Nothing could be further from the truth. Failure and mistakes are part of life. This is what we tell our friends and family when we comfort them during troubled times. Failures and mistakes, while part of our existence, are not what defines us. They are but one facet of a multi-faceted existence. So what can we do to take our own advice, to apply some of that compassion to ourselves?

We need to consider a few things here; We make mistakes! It's true but what does it really mean? It means we are like everyone else and it's OK to be that way. As human beings we are more alike than different anyway. When we do not accept ourselves, when we deny ourselves compassion we are separating from the world. By doing so we remain in our compassion-less space, alone.

There is a simple question I have my clients ask themselves at moments like this; "What would you say to your friend in this same situation?" Then take your own advice. Self compassion occurs when we examine our failures and disappointments without criticism or judgment. We say to ourselves "I made a mistake" or "I failed at this thing that was important to me." Recognizing the reality is the first step. Step two is offering the understanding and comfort you would to a friend and knowing you deserve that much. Acknowledging that you are not perfect but that this failure or disappointment is momentary. Also bear in mind you are not alone and perhaps you can reach out to someone who shares this experience to find out how he or she overcame it.

Self-compassion is an important part of the journey toward growth. Without it we get stuck in a loop of negative thoughts and punishments. We begin to actually believe that we deserve all the hardships and disappoinments. Instead, what we could be doing is using these experiences as challenges to learn and to grow from. To recognize our own humanity and accept it. You owe it to yourself to apply the same compassion that you have given so freely to others.

If you would like some guidance toward your goal of self comapssion and self acceptance please contact me, I'd love to be a part of that.

Please leave your thoughts and comments, I'd love to hear the lessons you've learned while on this journey.

Peer Pressure and your kids

Peer pressure is a serious issue. As the school year begins and your child is surrounded by many types of children for much of the day there is increased opportunity for peer pressure to rear it's head. Your child wants to fit in with his or her friends and their acceptance is important. They may not tell you when they are being pressured. There are many mixed messages that teens get from many places; friends, media, even parents. Let's face it, kids want to be cool and that mostly means being like whomever they think is cool. Being aware of who your children look up to is vital. It is also vital that you do more than just talk to them about what makes that icon or a friend someone worth emulating or not. Prevention should start before they reach their teens but that doesn't mean it's too late.

There are many things that teens and young adults will engage in due to peer pressure. From binge drinking to drugs, acting up in public within a group to sexual activity, weight loss, style of dress, increasing muscles (possible steroid use) and a whole host of other things. Some of these behaviors may make your teen feel: like an adult, popular, loved, cool, macho, feminine, like part of a special group... Most of these behaviors have negative consequences for an inexperienced young adult. Knowing that they can reject something and still have friends is a difficult concept for teens and young adults because often it may mean acquiring a new set of friends.

There are many ways to empower your children to resist peer pressure, maintain or improve their confidence, build personal strengths, and still have an exciting network of positive friendships. Remember these are difficult days for teens. Maintain awareness of the uniqueness of your child. However, that doesn't mean that you should be backing down from what you feel is right and
appropriate for your children. You are your children's guide through their life. Standing your ground is a way to model the very behavior your want your children to engage it when the time comes. You will have valid reasons for doing so and it will translate even if they don't quite believe it at the moment.

So what are some of the things you can do to help your child make the right decisions?

• Help your child practice making his or her own choices in a group.

• Recognize and acknowledge when your child makes a good choice in the face of a tough decision.

• Explain to your child that people value strength and uniqueness (have examples ready of people you value and why).

• Allow them to express what they feel when they are under pressure (fear, anxiety...). Let them know it's OK to feel that way while still making the right decision and standing firm.

• Remind your child that he or she has the right to resist the pressure.

• Real friends appreciate their strength.

With each successful “resistance” your child will gain confidence in their right and ability to make their own choice. Research shows that with each successful choice we increase our inner strength and sense of independence in decision making. This is very important, especially as children graduate from High School and move on to college, particularly if they are leaving
home to do so.


What are some of the things you can do as a parent if peer pressure is present?

• Be aware of what your child is up to. Changes in behavior, grades, attitude, are all tell tale signs that something is up. Talk about it.

• Be communicative. Spend time with your teen, provide guidance, love and support.

• Be engaged. Know what they are doing, where they go and who they are with, what movies they see, etc.

• Be the parent. It's great to have an open and understanding relationship with your teen. And you will have moments where you feel like pals, and that's good. But don't be afraid to correct your teen when necessary. You are still the parent. (All those negative feelings you are instructing your child to look out for when being pressured are the same feelings you have when engaged in the unpleasant task of discipline and correction). Maintain your strength.

• Don't make it a power struggle. As your child reaches his or her young adulthood they will want to show their independence. Let them, but not at the expense of engaging in detrimental behaviors.

Always demonstrate your love for you child. This may seem like a no brainer but it should be said. Having a safe environment to return to for any teen is of the utmost importance.

These are basic tips and guidelines for helping your teen resist peer pressure and move past it. You are a role model to your children. They will learn from you. Building your own strength and confidence will empower them to do the same. Each family and each child is unique. There is no real cookie cutter way to manage these situations however these are some of the starting points.

Please share your thoughts and experiences with the blog.

Coaching Workshops in New Jersey

For those of you in the New Jersey area I have two Coaching Workshops upcoming.
The first is short notice, it's this Monday August 17th, from 6:30-8:30pm at the Sayreville Public Library. The topics will be non-judgmental awareness, self acceptance and self compassion.

The next workshop is in September, so there's a little more time to register for that one. That one is Saturday September 26th from 1:00 - 3:00pm. This will be a wellness workshop to discuss and work on food and other health related issues. This is not a diet seminar. This workshop is all about how to enjoy food and not use food for coping or punishment. There will also be other wellness topics such as stress, environmental influence and things of that nature.

Registration is through the Sayreville Public Library. Hope you can make it.