New Years Resolution

2009 is ending, 2010 is beginning and most of us are probably sitting around making a New Year's Resolution. Will it be weightloss, more patience with family, saving more money, etc...

The funny thing about resolutions is that most of us rarely stick to them. Sure they sound good for a few weeks but then we fall back into old habits. It's not because those resolutions aren't great ideas. Health and fitness and better finances are the most popular resolutions. But often we lack the support to maintain these resolutions. If we say we aren't going to fight with our loved ones, do we remember to tell them and get their buy in? If we say we are going to get healthy and eat right are we sticking to the grocery list when we shop (sticking to the list also saves money)?

New Year's resolutions are not impossible, out there pipe dreams. They are desires and goals that can be achieved. But no man is an island and often these resolutions fall by the wayside because we are not telling people. Studies show that by making statements about our decisions, out loud and to others, we are more likely to stick to them. Resolutions are no different. If you tell your friends and coworkers your plan is to eat healthier this year and then you don't, someone may say something. Instead of saying "wow that was a snide remark" remember it's your promise to yourself. OK, I know, they don't have to say it like that, but the message is probably true.

Regardless of your resolution this year you can make it work if you want to. Oftentimes we take the easy way out and fall back on old habits because they are comfortable. Stepping into the great unknown of new health or better relationships is intimidating. But the end result is in fact good health or healthier relationships. So why be afraid of it?

Of course solid support helps. Not everyone has it though. So if people undermine your diet or provoke arguments you need to build up some type of resistance.

With that I'd like to make a suggestion. Instead of making another half hearted resolution about not eating cake try this; Make your resolution to not let other's get to you (Self acceptance training can help). If you can do that, in six months you'll feel so much better about your decisions that you can start that diet or minimize family arguments.

Let's close the book on this last decade and start the next one with optimisim and the belief that we can achieve our goals. Once you believe in yourself you can make anything happen. Say goodbye to 2009 and hello to the rest of your life.

Happy New Year!

Health and Wellness Expo

Quakerbridge Mall is hosting their annual Health and Wellness Expo December 11, 12, and 13. I will have a table set up with prizes, giveaways and free coaching sample sessions.

The Expo is sponsored by Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. There will be many other vendors set up and ready to talk about all aspects of health and total wellness. Stop in.

Quakerbridge Mall is located on Route 1 North in Lawrenceville, NJ.

Holidays Are Coming; How Are You Preparing For The Stress?

From 2004 to the present, finances have been the #1 cause of stress. As the holidays approach our stressors are exacerbated by demands to buy gifts, entertain, etc. Credit card debt, the poor economy and family responsibilities seem to conspire to increase our stress level. Many people cope with stress by making unhealthy food choices, among other behaviors . Poor coping behaviors don’t actually reduce our stress. In fact, they can add to it.

This holiday season is an especially difficult one for many of us. Business has slowed down, some people are out of work and yet the demands remain. You might be asking yourself how you can get your holiday shopping done without breaking the bank, without disappointing your children or other family members. Demands to conform or to buy the latest hot item for your kids may be undermining your ability to effectively deal with stress. Parental guilt caused by not buying that item is short term. Setting realistic financial goals for your holiday spending is the first and most important step and will have long term effects including teaching coping strategies to your children.

Here are a few of the most common tips to reduce holiday stress:

Identify the stress, evaluate your responses to that stress, make changes where necessary incrementally, first one behavior, then the next. Only by recognizing and tackling these issues one at a time can you make real and lasting changes. When you feel that you must change it all overnight you increase your stress and anxiety.

As I said before; set realistic goals for what you want to achieve this holiday season. Being realistic, not being drawn in by marketing or media messages, about what you need or must have will help you stay on track. If finances are an issues create a budget and stick to it.

Keep it in perspective. Check your stressors over the long term, where to do they fit in, how impactful are they really? If the stress you are feeling is restricted to this holiday season then you can let it go more easily. The impact is minimal and studies show that even under stressful conditions most people feel good about their holidays with family. Knowing that you will too can help alleviate some of the stress and anxiety of entertaining.

Remember what’s really important this holiday season (hint: it’s not in the amount of money you spend).

In these difficult times our family and friends and the support we give one another is priceless and that’s what makes holidays memorable!

Holistic Health Fair

Short notice...I am scheduled to be part of the Holistic Health Fair in Kendall Park NJ at the VFW on Henderson Ave. This Sunday October 25 from 11a - 5p. Also I will be giving a lecture on Successfully working through holiday stress. Please join me.

You deserve more in a relationship...

Someone I care about very deeply is involved in a very unhealthy relationship. Her husband is controlling and at times downright mean, and really just for the fun of it. In the past he restricted her movements, interfered with her holding down a job and a number of other things. I'm sure you all get the picture here. While it's taking her a very long time to build the strength to stand up to him and plan her departure this behavior has been ongoing for seven years. Most people point out that there is no violence toward her but that is secondary.

One day she asked me "What kind of man treats someone like this?" Trying to be sensitive but brutally honest I answered "The kind of man who is permitted to."

So let me ask you, if you are being mistreated why are you allowing it? Now I am not talking about a truly dangerous situation but day to day kind of disrespect that many people simply put up with, internalize, and then blame themselves for. And I am not going down a blame the victim path either. Each person, in this case, has two responsibilities; one to him/herself, and the other to the success of the relationship.

There are many reasons that people put up with unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationships. I will address two. Sometimes it is with the belief that he (or she) has some kind of anger problem, that you can help them with it, that if you just give them another chance things will change. This anger problem was brought on by _ (insert childhood event here). The other side of that is the idea that if you stand your ground or fight back in some way you are creating a threat to your relationship. Let's tackle these two points.

1) Let's assume your partner has some real difficulty with sharing you with the world. And being the good and loving partner you want peace in your home - not an unreasonable desire. But instead of working on ways for your partner to learn to let go, you simply keep the peace by giving in. Always the appeaser, you do all you can to keep your partner calm, and stable, and happy. This kind of behavior takes a toll. Not addressing the core issue, ignoring it, and taking responsibility for another in this way can have very negative health consequences. Simply standing your ground, after years of giving in can cause even more strife when you start. However, it is to the benefit of your health and your relationship to address your partners behaviors and beliefs. Wherever they may originate, you are not the cause. You must bear in mind that you are not responsible for your partner's upbringing or whatever experiences he or she may have had. It's also not your responsibility to make up for all the awful experiences that he or she may have had. By appeasing your partner you are taking responsibility for things you had or have no control over. You allow yourself to become the focus and target of all of their fear, frustration, anxiety and anger.

2) Let's talk about fear for a moment. Many people have a deep seated fear of being assertive. Perhaps there was an actual negative consequence to doing so at one point in your life. Stern parents, etc. But in reality, in relationships where two people do love one another asserting yourself is necessary for a balanced and healthy life. Let's go back to this guy my friend is married to. She very rarely asserts herself and naturally he takes advantage of it. Even to the point of saying, out loud, that he would not want to be involved with someone who asserts herself (yes, he actually said that). However, on the occasions where she does speak her mind, or sets a rule he simply complies. But the issue is not whether he complies actually, the issue is the paralyzing fear that she experiences when he does or says something that is hurtful or abusive in some way. This is a serious issue as many people, men and women, experience this. Fear of asserting yourself often originates from the incorrect idea that you are somehow responsible for your partners ill behavior - which occurs long before you assert yourself. In addition there is also a fear that the relationship will end if you assert yourself. By arguing back you believe that you are not being a good or supportive partner, you must not love your partner and therefore it must end. If the relationship fails it's your fault, you must make it succeed even when your partner is not holding up his/her end of the bargain. For those who are fearful, there is an assumption that speaking out, creating boundaries, and maintaining autonomy is somehow disrespectful to their partner. After all, once you get married you are now one. However, in these situations, the partner has created his/her own clear boundaries, says what he/she is thinking no matter how cruel, and clearly has their own autonomy. So when you objectively analyze the situation you are not asking for anything your partner doesn't have for him/herself. Nor are you asking for something that is unreasonable or unhealthy.

Everyone who wants to be in a relationship has the right to a healthy and balanced one. Each person is responsible for his or her own mental health and well being as well. When a partner threatens that well being it is up to you to correct it. Even if your partner has his/her own mental illness you still need to ensure that you are mentally healthy enough to care for him/her without negative outcomes for yourself and family.

Have you ever been on an airplane? There is a little speech by the stewards about crash safety. There is a part of the speech where they say that if the oxygen masks drop down, you need to put yours on first before you attend to others. The same goes for relationships. You must attend to your mental health successfully before you can have any further success with your partner.

My friend has concluded that her husband will never make the changes required for them to have a healthy and happy marriage. That is very sad, and it was a difficult conclusion for her to reach. She has spent the last two years in marriage counseling with him trying with all her might to help him to see where he is unreasonable and cruel. It has not worked. But she no longer takes responsibility for his cruelty. She no longer fears asserting herself, nor does she believe that she is ultimately responsible for the failure of the relationship. Just that small step of saying "I am not responsible for his mental state" was a huge weight lifted from her shoulders. She is much more at peace in her home. She speaks her mind when she needs to and has begun to create boundaries. She will be asserting herself one of these days right out of that house, and she's O.K. with that. Because she knows that the next time she becomes involved in a relationship, it will be healthy, because she deserves that.

Wellness Workshop

My next workshop is coming up soon, again at the Sayreville Public library. This workshop is free as well, just like the last one. The focus of this workshop will be on using food as a coping mechanism. However, that's just a portion. The workshop is going to be devoted to total wellness, including what types of stress trigger some very unhealthy responses and how to change them.

The workshop is September 26, from 1p to 3p. I hope you can join me.

Peer Pressure and your kids

Peer pressure is a serious issue. As the school year begins and your child is surrounded by many types of children for much of the day there is increased opportunity for peer pressure to rear it's head. Your child wants to fit in with his or her friends and their acceptance is important. They may not tell you when they are being pressured. There are many mixed messages that teens get from many places; friends, media, even parents. Let's face it, kids want to be cool and that mostly means being like whomever they think is cool. Being aware of who your children look up to is vital. It is also vital that you do more than just talk to them about what makes that icon or a friend someone worth emulating or not. Prevention should start before they reach their teens but that doesn't mean it's too late.

There are many things that teens and young adults will engage in due to peer pressure. From binge drinking to drugs, acting up in public within a group to sexual activity, weight loss, style of dress, increasing muscles (possible steroid use) and a whole host of other things. Some of these behaviors may make your teen feel: like an adult, popular, loved, cool, macho, feminine, like part of a special group... Most of these behaviors have negative consequences for an inexperienced young adult. Knowing that they can reject something and still have friends is a difficult concept for teens and young adults because often it may mean acquiring a new set of friends.

There are many ways to empower your children to resist peer pressure, maintain or improve their confidence, build personal strengths, and still have an exciting network of positive friendships. Remember these are difficult days for teens. Maintain awareness of the uniqueness of your child. However, that doesn't mean that you should be backing down from what you feel is right and
appropriate for your children. You are your children's guide through their life. Standing your ground is a way to model the very behavior your want your children to engage it when the time comes. You will have valid reasons for doing so and it will translate even if they don't quite believe it at the moment.

So what are some of the things you can do to help your child make the right decisions?

• Help your child practice making his or her own choices in a group.

• Recognize and acknowledge when your child makes a good choice in the face of a tough decision.

• Explain to your child that people value strength and uniqueness (have examples ready of people you value and why).

• Allow them to express what they feel when they are under pressure (fear, anxiety...). Let them know it's OK to feel that way while still making the right decision and standing firm.

• Remind your child that he or she has the right to resist the pressure.

• Real friends appreciate their strength.

With each successful “resistance” your child will gain confidence in their right and ability to make their own choice. Research shows that with each successful choice we increase our inner strength and sense of independence in decision making. This is very important, especially as children graduate from High School and move on to college, particularly if they are leaving
home to do so.


What are some of the things you can do as a parent if peer pressure is present?

• Be aware of what your child is up to. Changes in behavior, grades, attitude, are all tell tale signs that something is up. Talk about it.

• Be communicative. Spend time with your teen, provide guidance, love and support.

• Be engaged. Know what they are doing, where they go and who they are with, what movies they see, etc.

• Be the parent. It's great to have an open and understanding relationship with your teen. And you will have moments where you feel like pals, and that's good. But don't be afraid to correct your teen when necessary. You are still the parent. (All those negative feelings you are instructing your child to look out for when being pressured are the same feelings you have when engaged in the unpleasant task of discipline and correction). Maintain your strength.

• Don't make it a power struggle. As your child reaches his or her young adulthood they will want to show their independence. Let them, but not at the expense of engaging in detrimental behaviors.

Always demonstrate your love for you child. This may seem like a no brainer but it should be said. Having a safe environment to return to for any teen is of the utmost importance.

These are basic tips and guidelines for helping your teen resist peer pressure and move past it. You are a role model to your children. They will learn from you. Building your own strength and confidence will empower them to do the same. Each family and each child is unique. There is no real cookie cutter way to manage these situations however these are some of the starting points.

Please share your thoughts and experiences with the blog.

Workshop Roundup

This evening was my workshop at the Sayreville Public Library here in New Jersey. The turnout was great so thanks to you all for coming and participating.

We covered some standard topics such as non-judgmental awareness, self compassion and self acceptance. By and large the biggest issue for most of the participants was parenting related. No big surprise actually. But one question stood out regarding self acceptance and I wanted to share it with you.

The question, which was a great one, was a concern that self acceptance may just be a cop out for messing up. To say it plainly it isn't, but I understand the thinking behind the concern. In truth to gain a level of self acceptance requires an exercise in non-judgmental awareness first. It means seriously evaluating an event with all it's components, including one's own responsibility. Once you do that you make a mental note of what could have been different, what was overlooked, what your responsibility in it was and how to make a similar situation work out differently in the future (it's not absolution, it's learning). Self acceptance comes after we do this and we accept that we are not perfect and do make mistakes and so do others. This of course is easier said (written) than done.

The issue was brought up within the discussion of parenting insofar as it's a convenient way to not take responsibility when not doing all you can as a parent. In this context however, any excuse will do. So true self acceptance is never truly achieved. The final point regarding mistakes and missteps in parenting is that by acknowledging your previous shortcomings and accepting them (after all, you can't go back and change the past) you are not dwelling on them. By not dwelling on them you are more available to your family.

Dwelling or ruminating keeps us locked in this negative place and prevents us from learning and moving forward in a positive manner. Taking the time to honestly review without judgments and awareness that we are not perfect opens us up to new learning. This is what leads to self acceptance and empowerment.

In all that you do, especially as parents, you do the best you can with what you've got. Some people have more than others this is true. However, an honest assessment of what you've got or had after the fact is an insight. But it's not an open invitation to beat yourself up as a parent. You do the best you can with what you've got and if something else comes along down the road that you didn't know was there before you can't go take vacation on the guilt trip lollipop. It's what Don Rumsfeld called "an unknown unknown."

Ultimately self acceptance, as a parent, a friend, a professional or anything else will not be achieved if it's used as an excuse. Because deep down the person "copping out" does not truly accept himself/herself and is rationalizing. True self acceptance occurs when we accept our flaws as well as our strengths internally rather than demanding acceptance externally.

Please post your comments, stories and/or experiences on this topic. I look forward to reading them.

Coaching Workshops in New Jersey

For those of you in the New Jersey area I have two Coaching Workshops upcoming.
The first is short notice, it's this Monday August 17th, from 6:30-8:30pm at the Sayreville Public Library. The topics will be non-judgmental awareness, self acceptance and self compassion.

The next workshop is in September, so there's a little more time to register for that one. That one is Saturday September 26th from 1:00 - 3:00pm. This will be a wellness workshop to discuss and work on food and other health related issues. This is not a diet seminar. This workshop is all about how to enjoy food and not use food for coping or punishment. There will also be other wellness topics such as stress, environmental influence and things of that nature.

Registration is through the Sayreville Public Library. Hope you can make it.

Mood Foods are Good Foods

We hear a lot about diet, exercise, and healthy living. Then we hear about eating disorders, and unhealthy weight. Then we hear about the obesity epidemic in America. There are ways to measure our weight, our waist to hip ratio, our BMI and a whole host of other ways to make us feel good, bad, and indifferent about being healthy. It's enough it make you throw your hands up and wonder what the heck are we supposed to do?

Eat & Be Merry
While it's extremely important to eat right and take care of ourselves we are bombarded with a lot of confusing information. From fad diets to organic food choices it's hard to really know what to do and if we are really making good food choices. In making healthy choices about foods it's important to remember that less (production) is more. Foods that can be grown and picked and eaten are usually the healthiest. OK, foods that come from animals are healthy too. But many foods are mood killers and many others are mood enhancers. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could fill our diets with these mood enhancing selections? We would feel energized and alert and get a lot done in a day. We would be happier too, yes happier!

Studies show that certain mood enhancing foods work on keeping Serotonin floating around in your brain. What's Serotonin? Serotonin is a neurotransmitter. Basically it is one of several chemicals that your brain releases which controls mood. When you have enough, you feel balanced and in a good mood, when you have too little, you become depressed. OK, OK, I know this is not a biology lesson. So let me get to the heart of the matter here. Eating certain foods will boost your Serotonin availability.

Foods rich in Omega-3 fatty acids (salmon, tuna, flaxseed), Vitamin B12 (shellfish, low fat dairy), Folate – which is especially important for women – (oranges, broccoli, soybeans, whole grains), and Vitamin D all help to keep your mood stable.

So what does this mean and how does it relate to empowerment?
Being alert and in a stable or elevated mood will enable you to think clearly and be aware. Aware of what? Of yourself, your surroundings, of people around you and their mood too. You will be more focused and better able to make decisions. Functioning in a stable mood will also enable you to weigh your options with clarity and care and feel confident about your choices. You won't be wondering if you missed anything.

Foods high in processed sugars or processed in general will elevate your mood for a little while. But you will crash shortly thereafter. This will make you feel tired, and sluggish and lower than when you started!! So, instead of eating that 300 calorie mood busting candy bar, eat an orange*. The natural sugars and fiber in an orange will fill you up better than a candy bar. Another healthy choice is an apple with some peanut butter. Quarter the apple, and dab a small amount of natural peanut butter on each slice. This snack is loaded with protein and fiber and is packed with vitamins.

By incorporating these foods and others like them into your daily diet you can feel especially empowered with regards to your health. You can be confident that you are doing something good for yourself. That's a mood enhancer too, and that can make anyone happy.


* you can even drizzle a tablespoon of dark chocolate over the orange wedges if you must. But don't overdo it and stick to dark chocolate, there's antioxidants in it and less sugar than milk chocolate.

C'mon Get Happy

Spring has turned to summer rather quickly in the northeast. We went from cold to beautiful warm weather to hot and humid in no time. These abrupt changes coupled with the temperature rise can make us irritable and cranky. We get sunburned, and end up staying inside in the nice cool air conditioning. But that’s no better than the winter days cooped up with the heat turned high. It's time to get outside and don’t forget the sunscreen.

Sunlight produces Vitamin D, which can help keep your mood elevated. Once outside you can take a few minutes to get to your happy place. This can sound like a silly phrase but your happy place belongs to you so reclaim it. Psychologists have long known that fun and happiness are essential to our ability to function. But we don’t need anyone to actually tell us that. We know instinctively that fun and happiness are important experiences. Smiling and laughing are not learned behaviors. These are responses we are born knowing how to do. When things don't go according to plan and lead to frustration follow these steps to get back to your happiness. Here are some ideas to keep us smiling.

• Remind yourself that it's OK to feel good-don't feel guilty for being happy, and laugh.

• Take a few minutes and write down at least five things that make you genuinely happy.

• Do at least one thing that brings you real joy every day.

• Go through some old photos and frame some of the silly one's. Change them up every now and then.

• Put negative events in perspective. What do they really mean in the grand scheme of things? You may be surprised by the answer.

• Acknowledge your small successes every day like “I got out of bed on time!”(no small achievement for the late sleepers), or learning to cook a new dish, or changing a tire for the first time and especially for you dads, teaching your kids how to change that tire.

These are just a few examples of things you can do or may already be doing. Reminding ourselves of the value of these behaviors is a big step. Follow these simple rules each and every day and your happy place will always be waiting for you.

Mindfulness can also help you remain calm and regain your happiness controls. In simple terms this includes an awareness of one's body, the sensations, and sensory input happening around and within you. It also includes opening your mind and listening to your inner narrative while discarding judgments that usually accompany that narrative. Make your actions intentional. Be mindful of what your next step is and its purpose. Then direct that next step toward your happiness.

Take a fifteen minute walk in the afternoon sun. Make time for this each day and practice finding your happiness and being mindful. Alone time is a powerful reset button and one that should be utilized and you don’t have to actually be alone for it. You can be in a park or meditation center too.

Have some tricks of your own? Please feel free to share your happiness hints. Thanks for reading.

Rephrasing for a positive message

Well folks, we've all heard it said, "it's not what you say it's how you say it." Part of creating a welcoming and positive attitude in our lives is to use the words that convey that message to others. Sure sometimes we want to be blunt and get to the point, and that's OK when that manner of communication is warranted. However, if this is your main style of communication you may have encountered some resistance to your ideas and attitudes.

The "glass is half full" manner of communication can also be hooked into this blunt style. By focusing on what you don't have, or feeling it necessary to point out the obviously negative to others is, to be blunt, a downer. But worse prevents us from appreciating the good things around us.

We human beings are equipped to overcome many hardships. We have the gift of reason and analysis. The ability to rephrase is an extension of these gifts. Rephrasing is an important tool in maintaining or recapturing your positivity. Rephrasing can be done in just about any situation even one's that seem particularly dire.

While some people may accuse you of living in a fantasy world for going along as if everything is perfect, the reality is you are just staying positive. I'm not suggesting that in order to be positive we ignore the negative aspects of events. But keeping that perspective in the forefront of your mind is not going to make them any less negative. Remembering your "blessings," your strengths, your achievements will enable you, and those around you to recognize good things when they happen and positive opportunities when they arise.

There are some questions we can ask ourselves before we speak to insure that we maintain some positivity. Using the right words can set the tone for your message to others. Ask yourself: What is it that I want the receiver of my message to "hear?"
What do I want them to think, feel, conclude?
How do I want them to respond to my message?

I wanted to post some examples here but I'd rather let you have some practice with it. Take a few moments and think of either a negative thought you had/repeated, or something someone said to you that didn't feel right. Post it here in a response. Let's see how many ways we can change that statement for a positive message that still gets the point across.

Thanks for reading.