Someone I care about very deeply is involved in a very unhealthy relationship. Her husband is controlling and at times downright mean, and really just for the fun of it. In the past he restricted her movements, interfered with her holding down a job and a number of other things. I'm sure you all get the picture here. While it's taking her a very long time to build the strength to stand up to him and plan her departure this behavior has been ongoing for seven years. Most people point out that there is no violence toward her but that is secondary.
One day she asked me "What kind of man treats someone like this?" Trying to be sensitive but brutally honest I answered "The kind of man who is permitted to."
So let me ask you, if you are being mistreated why are you allowing it? Now I am not talking about a truly dangerous situation but day to day kind of disrespect that many people simply put up with, internalize, and then blame themselves for. And I am not going down a blame the victim path either. Each person, in this case, has two responsibilities; one to him/herself, and the other to the success of the relationship.
There are many reasons that people put up with unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationships. I will address two. Sometimes it is with the belief that he (or she) has some kind of anger problem, that you can help them with it, that if you just give them another chance things will change. This anger problem was brought on by _ (insert childhood event here). The other side of that is the idea that if you stand your ground or fight back in some way you are creating a threat to your relationship. Let's tackle these two points.
1) Let's assume your partner has some real difficulty with sharing you with the world. And being the good and loving partner you want peace in your home - not an unreasonable desire. But instead of working on ways for your partner to learn to let go, you simply keep the peace by giving in. Always the appeaser, you do all you can to keep your partner calm, and stable, and happy. This kind of behavior takes a toll. Not addressing the core issue, ignoring it, and taking responsibility for another in this way can have very negative health consequences. Simply standing your ground, after years of giving in can cause even more strife when you start. However, it is to the benefit of your health and your relationship to address your partners behaviors and beliefs. Wherever they may originate, you are not the cause. You must bear in mind that you are not responsible for your partner's upbringing or whatever experiences he or she may have had. It's also not your responsibility to make up for all the awful experiences that he or she may have had. By appeasing your partner you are taking responsibility for things you had or have no control over. You allow yourself to become the focus and target of all of their fear, frustration, anxiety and anger.
2) Let's talk about fear for a moment. Many people have a deep seated fear of being assertive. Perhaps there was an actual negative consequence to doing so at one point in your life. Stern parents, etc. But in reality, in relationships where two people do love one another asserting yourself is necessary for a balanced and healthy life. Let's go back to this guy my friend is married to. She very rarely asserts herself and naturally he takes advantage of it. Even to the point of saying, out loud, that he would not want to be involved with someone who asserts herself (yes, he actually said that). However, on the occasions where she does speak her mind, or sets a rule he simply complies. But the issue is not whether he complies actually, the issue is the paralyzing fear that she experiences when he does or says something that is hurtful or abusive in some way. This is a serious issue as many people, men and women, experience this. Fear of asserting yourself often originates from the incorrect idea that you are somehow responsible for your partners ill behavior - which occurs long before you assert yourself. In addition there is also a fear that the relationship will end if you assert yourself. By arguing back you believe that you are not being a good or supportive partner, you must not love your partner and therefore it must end. If the relationship fails it's your fault, you must make it succeed even when your partner is not holding up his/her end of the bargain. For those who are fearful, there is an assumption that speaking out, creating boundaries, and maintaining autonomy is somehow disrespectful to their partner. After all, once you get married you are now one. However, in these situations, the partner has created his/her own clear boundaries, says what he/she is thinking no matter how cruel, and clearly has their own autonomy. So when you objectively analyze the situation you are not asking for anything your partner doesn't have for him/herself. Nor are you asking for something that is unreasonable or unhealthy.
Everyone who wants to be in a relationship has the right to a healthy and balanced one. Each person is responsible for his or her own mental health and well being as well. When a partner threatens that well being it is up to you to correct it. Even if your partner has his/her own mental illness you still need to ensure that you are mentally healthy enough to care for him/her without negative outcomes for yourself and family.
Have you ever been on an airplane? There is a little speech by the stewards about crash safety. There is a part of the speech where they say that if the oxygen masks drop down, you need to put yours on first before you attend to others. The same goes for relationships. You must attend to your mental health successfully before you can have any further success with your partner.
My friend has concluded that her husband will never make the changes required for them to have a healthy and happy marriage. That is very sad, and it was a difficult conclusion for her to reach. She has spent the last two years in marriage counseling with him trying with all her might to help him to see where he is unreasonable and cruel. It has not worked. But she no longer takes responsibility for his cruelty. She no longer fears asserting herself, nor does she believe that she is ultimately responsible for the failure of the relationship. Just that small step of saying "I am not responsible for his mental state" was a huge weight lifted from her shoulders. She is much more at peace in her home. She speaks her mind when she needs to and has begun to create boundaries. She will be asserting herself one of these days right out of that house, and she's O.K. with that. Because she knows that the next time she becomes involved in a relationship, it will be healthy, because she deserves that.
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