Managing Holiday Season Stress

Research dating from 2004 to the present show that finances are the #1 cause of stress all year round but most importantly around the holidays. As the holidays approach our stressors are exacerbated by demands to buy gifts, entertain, etc. Credit card debt, the poor economy and family responsibilities seem to conspire against us and increase our stress level. Many people cope with stress by making unhealthy food choices, arguing with loved ones, becoming depressed or some combination of all of these. Poor coping behaviors don’t actually reduce our stress. In fact, they can add to it.

This holiday season is an especially difficult one for many of us. Perhaps this is just another difficult holiday added to the list of difficult holidays over the last few years. Business has slowed down, some people are out of work and yet these demands remain. You might be asking yourself how you can get your holiday shopping done without breaking the bank, without disappointing your children or other family members. Demands to conform or to buy the latest hot item for your kids may be undermining your ability to effectively deal with stress. Parental guilt caused by not buying that item is short term. Setting realistic financial goals for your holiday spending is the first and most important step and will have long term effects including teaching coping strategies and decision making skills to your children.

Here are a few of the most common tips to reduce holiday stress:

Identify the stress, evaluate your responses to that stress, make changes where necessary incrementally, first one behavior, then the next. Only by recognizing and tackling these issues one at a time can you make real and lasting changes. When you feel that you must change it all overnight you increase your stress and anxiety.

As I said before; set realistic goals for what you want to achieve this holiday season. Being realistic, not being drawn in by marketing or media messages, about what you need or must have will help you stay on track. If finances are an issue create a budget and stick to it.

Keep it in perspective. Check your stressors over the long term, where do they fit in, how impactful are they really? If the stress you are feeling is restricted to this holiday season then you can let it go more easily. The impact is minimal and studies show that even under stressful conditions most people feel good about their holidays when they are spent with loved ones. Knowing that you will too can help alleviate some of the stress and anxiety of holiday demands.

Remember what’s really important this holiday season (hint: it’s not in the amount of money you spend). In these difficult times our family and friends and the support we give one another is priceless and that’s what makes holidays memorable!

Finally, please remember, there are always people less fortunate than you or I. Share your gifts or volunteer your time to help them this holiday season. The gift of giving is the greatest gift of all.

Karma?

I have often toyed with the idea of Karma. Whether or not you believe in a higher power, God or what have you, almost everyone believes that there is balance in the universe. At some point, we will be rewarded for our thoughtful and kind behavior. I take this belief seriously for two reasons:
1) I'd rather err on the side of goodness.
2) It feels good to be thoughtful and kind.

In the past few days I have needed to speak with technical representatives about my website about 3 times. With each of these contacts I received a survey in my email to rate my experience.

Luckily, I was very pleased. As I filled out the surveys I thought about how important it was to do so. Not necessarily so the company can "improve customer service" but because the people who worked with me deserved the recognition.

I always take their name down and in the comments section of the survey I refer to him or her by name and explain specifically why I was happy with their help. I also thought about how I would respond if I was not pleased. I considered Karma. If I am not embellishing or speaking through my anger, I am erring on the side of goodness. This will hopefully be returned to me someday in some form when needed. If not it still feels good to be thoughtful and kind.

So, I want to encourage you to please fill out these surveys and use the following tips:
1) Use the reps. name whenever possible in your response
2) Seperate the rep. from the company if your problem cannot be resolved
3) Say something specific about why the rep. pleased you
4) If you were not happy with the rep. say so in an objective and helpful way

There are lots of other ways to let a company or service provier know you are happy/unhappy. But when that survey comes to your inbox consider Karma before you delete it.

Never miss an opportunity to have the Gods smile upon you!

Appreciating differences

In a New York Times opinion piece this week, columnist Maureen Dowd discusses the stunting of our personal growth through our carefully selective approach to association.

I agree with her. In fact, more and more we, individuals that is, close ourselves off from people who do not think like us, or do not come from similar circumstances, share our belief systems, etc. More and more, we are preventing not only our personal growth but our social and societal evolution.

A few years back some social scientists did a study. They presented a group of people, with mixed political views, the opportunity to read some information that they agreed with or read information that was different from their views. In 67% of instances, the respondents chose to read a viewpoint that they agreed with. Now you may say, of course they would. People like to have their ideas validated that is part of the human condition.

But overall, it prevents us from growing, from understanding and respecting one another. Imagine you were in a library, and the only books available were books you already read. How would you learn? You may have beliefs and ideas that will never change or be only slightly modified as you grow older. That's OK. But we have opportunities to learn and build alliances with all kinds of people throughout our lives. We may choose not to once we have all the information, but choosing not to acquire that information will only be a hindrance.

There was an episode of the Twilight Zone where an intemperate man wished everyone were like him. When he awoke the next day his wish came true. He was completely miserable. The world grows and develops and progresses through differences and learning how to live, manage, and respect them. When you have the opportunity to meet or talk to someone who has an opposing viewpoint or appears to fit an unflattering stereotype, take the time to know him or her as an individual. Expand your understanding and it will be returned in the manner of stronger relationships and better understanding of those who inhabit this world.


link to the article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/11/opinion/11dowd.html

A little self compassion

With kindness, with love and compassion, with this feeling that is the essence of brotherhood, sisterhood, one will have inner peace.
Dalai Lama

Compassion is something many of us strive to achieve. It means that we can feel, empathize, and understand another's suffering and physical or emotional pain. But often we fail to have this same compassion with ourselves. When we fail at something our little voice tells us we are failures or stupid and that we should give up. Nothing could be further from the truth. Failure and mistakes are part of life. This is what we tell our friends and family when we comfort them during troubled times. Failures and mistakes, while part of our existence, are not what defines us. They are but one facet of a multi-faceted existence. So what can we do to take our own advice, to apply some of that compassion to ourselves?

We need to consider a few things here; We make mistakes! It's true but what does it really mean? It means we are like everyone else and it's OK to be that way. As human beings we are more alike than different anyway. When we do not accept ourselves, when we deny ourselves compassion we are separating from the world. By doing so we remain in our compassion-less space, alone.

There is a simple question I have my clients ask themselves at moments like this; "What would you say to your friend in this same situation?" Then take your own advice. Self compassion occurs when we examine our failures and disappointments without criticism or judgment. We say to ourselves "I made a mistake" or "I failed at this thing that was important to me." Recognizing the reality is the first step. Step two is offering the understanding and comfort you would to a friend and knowing you deserve that much. Acknowledging that you are not perfect but that this failure or disappointment is momentary. Also bear in mind you are not alone and perhaps you can reach out to someone who shares this experience to find out how he or she overcame it.

Self-compassion is an important part of the journey toward growth. Without it we get stuck in a loop of negative thoughts and punishments. We begin to actually believe that we deserve all the hardships and disappoinments. Instead, what we could be doing is using these experiences as challenges to learn and to grow from. To recognize our own humanity and accept it. You owe it to yourself to apply the same compassion that you have given so freely to others.

If you would like some guidance toward your goal of self comapssion and self acceptance please contact me, I'd love to be a part of that.

Please leave your thoughts and comments, I'd love to hear the lessons you've learned while on this journey.