Appreciating differences

In a New York Times opinion piece this week, columnist Maureen Dowd discusses the stunting of our personal growth through our carefully selective approach to association.

I agree with her. In fact, more and more we, individuals that is, close ourselves off from people who do not think like us, or do not come from similar circumstances, share our belief systems, etc. More and more, we are preventing not only our personal growth but our social and societal evolution.

A few years back some social scientists did a study. They presented a group of people, with mixed political views, the opportunity to read some information that they agreed with or read information that was different from their views. In 67% of instances, the respondents chose to read a viewpoint that they agreed with. Now you may say, of course they would. People like to have their ideas validated that is part of the human condition.

But overall, it prevents us from growing, from understanding and respecting one another. Imagine you were in a library, and the only books available were books you already read. How would you learn? You may have beliefs and ideas that will never change or be only slightly modified as you grow older. That's OK. But we have opportunities to learn and build alliances with all kinds of people throughout our lives. We may choose not to once we have all the information, but choosing not to acquire that information will only be a hindrance.

There was an episode of the Twilight Zone where an intemperate man wished everyone were like him. When he awoke the next day his wish came true. He was completely miserable. The world grows and develops and progresses through differences and learning how to live, manage, and respect them. When you have the opportunity to meet or talk to someone who has an opposing viewpoint or appears to fit an unflattering stereotype, take the time to know him or her as an individual. Expand your understanding and it will be returned in the manner of stronger relationships and better understanding of those who inhabit this world.


link to the article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/11/opinion/11dowd.html

Expectations...

I was interviewd this week by tennis and mental toughness coach Ed Tseng. We talked about expectations. Expectations are an interesting thing because we live by them very often and more often they are the source of our stress. We either live up to them or we do not, other's live up to ours or they do not. We tend to forgive our friends and family for not living up to our expectations but we are often much harder on ourselves. This goes back to self compassion and self kindness. Are you creating realistic expectations for yourself? Are you being honest about the results of living up to them?

It's important to set goals for yourself and create expectations around those goals. These could be small goals such as daily living endeavors, clean the house, do the laundry, meet with your boss or employees, etc. They could be more future oriented goals such as complete a project and ask for a raise, lose weight, or things of that nature. But what are you saying to yourself in the event that one of these expectations is not met? Are you spending energy on self judgment, name calling, or ruminating on what you did? If you are, then you are being extremely unkind to yourself. When you expend all that energy on the negative, "I'm stupid, why did I do it that way, I can't believe I said that..." you are no longer in a goal reaching state of mind and you've now created a new set of expectations for yourself "I expect to fail!"

Instead, be in "learner mode." Be open and honest about the situation and be ready to create a plan around re-establishing your goal and new expectations about how to reach it. Spending time punishing yourself is using energy and brain power that could be used toward creating a new and better result. So first determine if you are setting realistic expectations for yourself. Then ask yourself if it's useful to beat yourself up or is it more useful to use that energy to move forward.

Please share your experiences about changing expectations for yourself. I'd love to hear about them.