New Years Resolution

2009 is ending, 2010 is beginning and most of us are probably sitting around making a New Year's Resolution. Will it be weightloss, more patience with family, saving more money, etc...

The funny thing about resolutions is that most of us rarely stick to them. Sure they sound good for a few weeks but then we fall back into old habits. It's not because those resolutions aren't great ideas. Health and fitness and better finances are the most popular resolutions. But often we lack the support to maintain these resolutions. If we say we aren't going to fight with our loved ones, do we remember to tell them and get their buy in? If we say we are going to get healthy and eat right are we sticking to the grocery list when we shop (sticking to the list also saves money)?

New Year's resolutions are not impossible, out there pipe dreams. They are desires and goals that can be achieved. But no man is an island and often these resolutions fall by the wayside because we are not telling people. Studies show that by making statements about our decisions, out loud and to others, we are more likely to stick to them. Resolutions are no different. If you tell your friends and coworkers your plan is to eat healthier this year and then you don't, someone may say something. Instead of saying "wow that was a snide remark" remember it's your promise to yourself. OK, I know, they don't have to say it like that, but the message is probably true.

Regardless of your resolution this year you can make it work if you want to. Oftentimes we take the easy way out and fall back on old habits because they are comfortable. Stepping into the great unknown of new health or better relationships is intimidating. But the end result is in fact good health or healthier relationships. So why be afraid of it?

Of course solid support helps. Not everyone has it though. So if people undermine your diet or provoke arguments you need to build up some type of resistance.

With that I'd like to make a suggestion. Instead of making another half hearted resolution about not eating cake try this; Make your resolution to not let other's get to you (Self acceptance training can help). If you can do that, in six months you'll feel so much better about your decisions that you can start that diet or minimize family arguments.

Let's close the book on this last decade and start the next one with optimisim and the belief that we can achieve our goals. Once you believe in yourself you can make anything happen. Say goodbye to 2009 and hello to the rest of your life.

Happy New Year!

Health and Wellness Expo

Quakerbridge Mall is hosting their annual Health and Wellness Expo December 11, 12, and 13. I will have a table set up with prizes, giveaways and free coaching sample sessions.

The Expo is sponsored by Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. There will be many other vendors set up and ready to talk about all aspects of health and total wellness. Stop in.

Quakerbridge Mall is located on Route 1 North in Lawrenceville, NJ.

Holidays Are Coming; How Are You Preparing For The Stress?

From 2004 to the present, finances have been the #1 cause of stress. As the holidays approach our stressors are exacerbated by demands to buy gifts, entertain, etc. Credit card debt, the poor economy and family responsibilities seem to conspire to increase our stress level. Many people cope with stress by making unhealthy food choices, among other behaviors . Poor coping behaviors don’t actually reduce our stress. In fact, they can add to it.

This holiday season is an especially difficult one for many of us. Business has slowed down, some people are out of work and yet the demands remain. You might be asking yourself how you can get your holiday shopping done without breaking the bank, without disappointing your children or other family members. Demands to conform or to buy the latest hot item for your kids may be undermining your ability to effectively deal with stress. Parental guilt caused by not buying that item is short term. Setting realistic financial goals for your holiday spending is the first and most important step and will have long term effects including teaching coping strategies to your children.

Here are a few of the most common tips to reduce holiday stress:

Identify the stress, evaluate your responses to that stress, make changes where necessary incrementally, first one behavior, then the next. Only by recognizing and tackling these issues one at a time can you make real and lasting changes. When you feel that you must change it all overnight you increase your stress and anxiety.

As I said before; set realistic goals for what you want to achieve this holiday season. Being realistic, not being drawn in by marketing or media messages, about what you need or must have will help you stay on track. If finances are an issues create a budget and stick to it.

Keep it in perspective. Check your stressors over the long term, where to do they fit in, how impactful are they really? If the stress you are feeling is restricted to this holiday season then you can let it go more easily. The impact is minimal and studies show that even under stressful conditions most people feel good about their holidays with family. Knowing that you will too can help alleviate some of the stress and anxiety of entertaining.

Remember what’s really important this holiday season (hint: it’s not in the amount of money you spend).

In these difficult times our family and friends and the support we give one another is priceless and that’s what makes holidays memorable!

Holistic Health Fair

Short notice...I am scheduled to be part of the Holistic Health Fair in Kendall Park NJ at the VFW on Henderson Ave. This Sunday October 25 from 11a - 5p. Also I will be giving a lecture on Successfully working through holiday stress. Please join me.

You deserve more in a relationship...

Someone I care about very deeply is involved in a very unhealthy relationship. Her husband is controlling and at times downright mean, and really just for the fun of it. In the past he restricted her movements, interfered with her holding down a job and a number of other things. I'm sure you all get the picture here. While it's taking her a very long time to build the strength to stand up to him and plan her departure this behavior has been ongoing for seven years. Most people point out that there is no violence toward her but that is secondary.

One day she asked me "What kind of man treats someone like this?" Trying to be sensitive but brutally honest I answered "The kind of man who is permitted to."

So let me ask you, if you are being mistreated why are you allowing it? Now I am not talking about a truly dangerous situation but day to day kind of disrespect that many people simply put up with, internalize, and then blame themselves for. And I am not going down a blame the victim path either. Each person, in this case, has two responsibilities; one to him/herself, and the other to the success of the relationship.

There are many reasons that people put up with unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationships. I will address two. Sometimes it is with the belief that he (or she) has some kind of anger problem, that you can help them with it, that if you just give them another chance things will change. This anger problem was brought on by _ (insert childhood event here). The other side of that is the idea that if you stand your ground or fight back in some way you are creating a threat to your relationship. Let's tackle these two points.

1) Let's assume your partner has some real difficulty with sharing you with the world. And being the good and loving partner you want peace in your home - not an unreasonable desire. But instead of working on ways for your partner to learn to let go, you simply keep the peace by giving in. Always the appeaser, you do all you can to keep your partner calm, and stable, and happy. This kind of behavior takes a toll. Not addressing the core issue, ignoring it, and taking responsibility for another in this way can have very negative health consequences. Simply standing your ground, after years of giving in can cause even more strife when you start. However, it is to the benefit of your health and your relationship to address your partners behaviors and beliefs. Wherever they may originate, you are not the cause. You must bear in mind that you are not responsible for your partner's upbringing or whatever experiences he or she may have had. It's also not your responsibility to make up for all the awful experiences that he or she may have had. By appeasing your partner you are taking responsibility for things you had or have no control over. You allow yourself to become the focus and target of all of their fear, frustration, anxiety and anger.

2) Let's talk about fear for a moment. Many people have a deep seated fear of being assertive. Perhaps there was an actual negative consequence to doing so at one point in your life. Stern parents, etc. But in reality, in relationships where two people do love one another asserting yourself is necessary for a balanced and healthy life. Let's go back to this guy my friend is married to. She very rarely asserts herself and naturally he takes advantage of it. Even to the point of saying, out loud, that he would not want to be involved with someone who asserts herself (yes, he actually said that). However, on the occasions where she does speak her mind, or sets a rule he simply complies. But the issue is not whether he complies actually, the issue is the paralyzing fear that she experiences when he does or says something that is hurtful or abusive in some way. This is a serious issue as many people, men and women, experience this. Fear of asserting yourself often originates from the incorrect idea that you are somehow responsible for your partners ill behavior - which occurs long before you assert yourself. In addition there is also a fear that the relationship will end if you assert yourself. By arguing back you believe that you are not being a good or supportive partner, you must not love your partner and therefore it must end. If the relationship fails it's your fault, you must make it succeed even when your partner is not holding up his/her end of the bargain. For those who are fearful, there is an assumption that speaking out, creating boundaries, and maintaining autonomy is somehow disrespectful to their partner. After all, once you get married you are now one. However, in these situations, the partner has created his/her own clear boundaries, says what he/she is thinking no matter how cruel, and clearly has their own autonomy. So when you objectively analyze the situation you are not asking for anything your partner doesn't have for him/herself. Nor are you asking for something that is unreasonable or unhealthy.

Everyone who wants to be in a relationship has the right to a healthy and balanced one. Each person is responsible for his or her own mental health and well being as well. When a partner threatens that well being it is up to you to correct it. Even if your partner has his/her own mental illness you still need to ensure that you are mentally healthy enough to care for him/her without negative outcomes for yourself and family.

Have you ever been on an airplane? There is a little speech by the stewards about crash safety. There is a part of the speech where they say that if the oxygen masks drop down, you need to put yours on first before you attend to others. The same goes for relationships. You must attend to your mental health successfully before you can have any further success with your partner.

My friend has concluded that her husband will never make the changes required for them to have a healthy and happy marriage. That is very sad, and it was a difficult conclusion for her to reach. She has spent the last two years in marriage counseling with him trying with all her might to help him to see where he is unreasonable and cruel. It has not worked. But she no longer takes responsibility for his cruelty. She no longer fears asserting herself, nor does she believe that she is ultimately responsible for the failure of the relationship. Just that small step of saying "I am not responsible for his mental state" was a huge weight lifted from her shoulders. She is much more at peace in her home. She speaks her mind when she needs to and has begun to create boundaries. She will be asserting herself one of these days right out of that house, and she's O.K. with that. Because she knows that the next time she becomes involved in a relationship, it will be healthy, because she deserves that.

Wellness Workshop

My next workshop is coming up soon, again at the Sayreville Public library. This workshop is free as well, just like the last one. The focus of this workshop will be on using food as a coping mechanism. However, that's just a portion. The workshop is going to be devoted to total wellness, including what types of stress trigger some very unhealthy responses and how to change them.

The workshop is September 26, from 1p to 3p. I hope you can join me.

Peer Pressure and your kids

Peer pressure is a serious issue. As the school year begins and your child is surrounded by many types of children for much of the day there is increased opportunity for peer pressure to rear it's head. Your child wants to fit in with his or her friends and their acceptance is important. They may not tell you when they are being pressured. There are many mixed messages that teens get from many places; friends, media, even parents. Let's face it, kids want to be cool and that mostly means being like whomever they think is cool. Being aware of who your children look up to is vital. It is also vital that you do more than just talk to them about what makes that icon or a friend someone worth emulating or not. Prevention should start before they reach their teens but that doesn't mean it's too late.

There are many things that teens and young adults will engage in due to peer pressure. From binge drinking to drugs, acting up in public within a group to sexual activity, weight loss, style of dress, increasing muscles (possible steroid use) and a whole host of other things. Some of these behaviors may make your teen feel: like an adult, popular, loved, cool, macho, feminine, like part of a special group... Most of these behaviors have negative consequences for an inexperienced young adult. Knowing that they can reject something and still have friends is a difficult concept for teens and young adults because often it may mean acquiring a new set of friends.

There are many ways to empower your children to resist peer pressure, maintain or improve their confidence, build personal strengths, and still have an exciting network of positive friendships. Remember these are difficult days for teens. Maintain awareness of the uniqueness of your child. However, that doesn't mean that you should be backing down from what you feel is right and
appropriate for your children. You are your children's guide through their life. Standing your ground is a way to model the very behavior your want your children to engage it when the time comes. You will have valid reasons for doing so and it will translate even if they don't quite believe it at the moment.

So what are some of the things you can do to help your child make the right decisions?

• Help your child practice making his or her own choices in a group.

• Recognize and acknowledge when your child makes a good choice in the face of a tough decision.

• Explain to your child that people value strength and uniqueness (have examples ready of people you value and why).

• Allow them to express what they feel when they are under pressure (fear, anxiety...). Let them know it's OK to feel that way while still making the right decision and standing firm.

• Remind your child that he or she has the right to resist the pressure.

• Real friends appreciate their strength.

With each successful “resistance” your child will gain confidence in their right and ability to make their own choice. Research shows that with each successful choice we increase our inner strength and sense of independence in decision making. This is very important, especially as children graduate from High School and move on to college, particularly if they are leaving
home to do so.


What are some of the things you can do as a parent if peer pressure is present?

• Be aware of what your child is up to. Changes in behavior, grades, attitude, are all tell tale signs that something is up. Talk about it.

• Be communicative. Spend time with your teen, provide guidance, love and support.

• Be engaged. Know what they are doing, where they go and who they are with, what movies they see, etc.

• Be the parent. It's great to have an open and understanding relationship with your teen. And you will have moments where you feel like pals, and that's good. But don't be afraid to correct your teen when necessary. You are still the parent. (All those negative feelings you are instructing your child to look out for when being pressured are the same feelings you have when engaged in the unpleasant task of discipline and correction). Maintain your strength.

• Don't make it a power struggle. As your child reaches his or her young adulthood they will want to show their independence. Let them, but not at the expense of engaging in detrimental behaviors.

Always demonstrate your love for you child. This may seem like a no brainer but it should be said. Having a safe environment to return to for any teen is of the utmost importance.

These are basic tips and guidelines for helping your teen resist peer pressure and move past it. You are a role model to your children. They will learn from you. Building your own strength and confidence will empower them to do the same. Each family and each child is unique. There is no real cookie cutter way to manage these situations however these are some of the starting points.

Please share your thoughts and experiences with the blog.