Workshop Roundup

This evening was my workshop at the Sayreville Public Library here in New Jersey. The turnout was great so thanks to you all for coming and participating.

We covered some standard topics such as non-judgmental awareness, self compassion and self acceptance. By and large the biggest issue for most of the participants was parenting related. No big surprise actually. But one question stood out regarding self acceptance and I wanted to share it with you.

The question, which was a great one, was a concern that self acceptance may just be a cop out for messing up. To say it plainly it isn't, but I understand the thinking behind the concern. In truth to gain a level of self acceptance requires an exercise in non-judgmental awareness first. It means seriously evaluating an event with all it's components, including one's own responsibility. Once you do that you make a mental note of what could have been different, what was overlooked, what your responsibility in it was and how to make a similar situation work out differently in the future (it's not absolution, it's learning). Self acceptance comes after we do this and we accept that we are not perfect and do make mistakes and so do others. This of course is easier said (written) than done.

The issue was brought up within the discussion of parenting insofar as it's a convenient way to not take responsibility when not doing all you can as a parent. In this context however, any excuse will do. So true self acceptance is never truly achieved. The final point regarding mistakes and missteps in parenting is that by acknowledging your previous shortcomings and accepting them (after all, you can't go back and change the past) you are not dwelling on them. By not dwelling on them you are more available to your family.

Dwelling or ruminating keeps us locked in this negative place and prevents us from learning and moving forward in a positive manner. Taking the time to honestly review without judgments and awareness that we are not perfect opens us up to new learning. This is what leads to self acceptance and empowerment.

In all that you do, especially as parents, you do the best you can with what you've got. Some people have more than others this is true. However, an honest assessment of what you've got or had after the fact is an insight. But it's not an open invitation to beat yourself up as a parent. You do the best you can with what you've got and if something else comes along down the road that you didn't know was there before you can't go take vacation on the guilt trip lollipop. It's what Don Rumsfeld called "an unknown unknown."

Ultimately self acceptance, as a parent, a friend, a professional or anything else will not be achieved if it's used as an excuse. Because deep down the person "copping out" does not truly accept himself/herself and is rationalizing. True self acceptance occurs when we accept our flaws as well as our strengths internally rather than demanding acceptance externally.

Please post your comments, stories and/or experiences on this topic. I look forward to reading them.

Coaching Workshops in New Jersey

For those of you in the New Jersey area I have two Coaching Workshops upcoming.
The first is short notice, it's this Monday August 17th, from 6:30-8:30pm at the Sayreville Public Library. The topics will be non-judgmental awareness, self acceptance and self compassion.

The next workshop is in September, so there's a little more time to register for that one. That one is Saturday September 26th from 1:00 - 3:00pm. This will be a wellness workshop to discuss and work on food and other health related issues. This is not a diet seminar. This workshop is all about how to enjoy food and not use food for coping or punishment. There will also be other wellness topics such as stress, environmental influence and things of that nature.

Registration is through the Sayreville Public Library. Hope you can make it.

Mood Foods are Good Foods

We hear a lot about diet, exercise, and healthy living. Then we hear about eating disorders, and unhealthy weight. Then we hear about the obesity epidemic in America. There are ways to measure our weight, our waist to hip ratio, our BMI and a whole host of other ways to make us feel good, bad, and indifferent about being healthy. It's enough it make you throw your hands up and wonder what the heck are we supposed to do?

Eat & Be Merry
While it's extremely important to eat right and take care of ourselves we are bombarded with a lot of confusing information. From fad diets to organic food choices it's hard to really know what to do and if we are really making good food choices. In making healthy choices about foods it's important to remember that less (production) is more. Foods that can be grown and picked and eaten are usually the healthiest. OK, foods that come from animals are healthy too. But many foods are mood killers and many others are mood enhancers. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could fill our diets with these mood enhancing selections? We would feel energized and alert and get a lot done in a day. We would be happier too, yes happier!

Studies show that certain mood enhancing foods work on keeping Serotonin floating around in your brain. What's Serotonin? Serotonin is a neurotransmitter. Basically it is one of several chemicals that your brain releases which controls mood. When you have enough, you feel balanced and in a good mood, when you have too little, you become depressed. OK, OK, I know this is not a biology lesson. So let me get to the heart of the matter here. Eating certain foods will boost your Serotonin availability.

Foods rich in Omega-3 fatty acids (salmon, tuna, flaxseed), Vitamin B12 (shellfish, low fat dairy), Folate – which is especially important for women – (oranges, broccoli, soybeans, whole grains), and Vitamin D all help to keep your mood stable.

So what does this mean and how does it relate to empowerment?
Being alert and in a stable or elevated mood will enable you to think clearly and be aware. Aware of what? Of yourself, your surroundings, of people around you and their mood too. You will be more focused and better able to make decisions. Functioning in a stable mood will also enable you to weigh your options with clarity and care and feel confident about your choices. You won't be wondering if you missed anything.

Foods high in processed sugars or processed in general will elevate your mood for a little while. But you will crash shortly thereafter. This will make you feel tired, and sluggish and lower than when you started!! So, instead of eating that 300 calorie mood busting candy bar, eat an orange*. The natural sugars and fiber in an orange will fill you up better than a candy bar. Another healthy choice is an apple with some peanut butter. Quarter the apple, and dab a small amount of natural peanut butter on each slice. This snack is loaded with protein and fiber and is packed with vitamins.

By incorporating these foods and others like them into your daily diet you can feel especially empowered with regards to your health. You can be confident that you are doing something good for yourself. That's a mood enhancer too, and that can make anyone happy.


* you can even drizzle a tablespoon of dark chocolate over the orange wedges if you must. But don't overdo it and stick to dark chocolate, there's antioxidants in it and less sugar than milk chocolate.

C'mon Get Happy

Spring has turned to summer rather quickly in the northeast. We went from cold to beautiful warm weather to hot and humid in no time. These abrupt changes coupled with the temperature rise can make us irritable and cranky. We get sunburned, and end up staying inside in the nice cool air conditioning. But that’s no better than the winter days cooped up with the heat turned high. It's time to get outside and don’t forget the sunscreen.

Sunlight produces Vitamin D, which can help keep your mood elevated. Once outside you can take a few minutes to get to your happy place. This can sound like a silly phrase but your happy place belongs to you so reclaim it. Psychologists have long known that fun and happiness are essential to our ability to function. But we don’t need anyone to actually tell us that. We know instinctively that fun and happiness are important experiences. Smiling and laughing are not learned behaviors. These are responses we are born knowing how to do. When things don't go according to plan and lead to frustration follow these steps to get back to your happiness. Here are some ideas to keep us smiling.

• Remind yourself that it's OK to feel good-don't feel guilty for being happy, and laugh.

• Take a few minutes and write down at least five things that make you genuinely happy.

• Do at least one thing that brings you real joy every day.

• Go through some old photos and frame some of the silly one's. Change them up every now and then.

• Put negative events in perspective. What do they really mean in the grand scheme of things? You may be surprised by the answer.

• Acknowledge your small successes every day like “I got out of bed on time!”(no small achievement for the late sleepers), or learning to cook a new dish, or changing a tire for the first time and especially for you dads, teaching your kids how to change that tire.

These are just a few examples of things you can do or may already be doing. Reminding ourselves of the value of these behaviors is a big step. Follow these simple rules each and every day and your happy place will always be waiting for you.

Mindfulness can also help you remain calm and regain your happiness controls. In simple terms this includes an awareness of one's body, the sensations, and sensory input happening around and within you. It also includes opening your mind and listening to your inner narrative while discarding judgments that usually accompany that narrative. Make your actions intentional. Be mindful of what your next step is and its purpose. Then direct that next step toward your happiness.

Take a fifteen minute walk in the afternoon sun. Make time for this each day and practice finding your happiness and being mindful. Alone time is a powerful reset button and one that should be utilized and you don’t have to actually be alone for it. You can be in a park or meditation center too.

Have some tricks of your own? Please feel free to share your happiness hints. Thanks for reading.

Rephrasing for a positive message

Well folks, we've all heard it said, "it's not what you say it's how you say it." Part of creating a welcoming and positive attitude in our lives is to use the words that convey that message to others. Sure sometimes we want to be blunt and get to the point, and that's OK when that manner of communication is warranted. However, if this is your main style of communication you may have encountered some resistance to your ideas and attitudes.

The "glass is half full" manner of communication can also be hooked into this blunt style. By focusing on what you don't have, or feeling it necessary to point out the obviously negative to others is, to be blunt, a downer. But worse prevents us from appreciating the good things around us.

We human beings are equipped to overcome many hardships. We have the gift of reason and analysis. The ability to rephrase is an extension of these gifts. Rephrasing is an important tool in maintaining or recapturing your positivity. Rephrasing can be done in just about any situation even one's that seem particularly dire.

While some people may accuse you of living in a fantasy world for going along as if everything is perfect, the reality is you are just staying positive. I'm not suggesting that in order to be positive we ignore the negative aspects of events. But keeping that perspective in the forefront of your mind is not going to make them any less negative. Remembering your "blessings," your strengths, your achievements will enable you, and those around you to recognize good things when they happen and positive opportunities when they arise.

There are some questions we can ask ourselves before we speak to insure that we maintain some positivity. Using the right words can set the tone for your message to others. Ask yourself: What is it that I want the receiver of my message to "hear?"
What do I want them to think, feel, conclude?
How do I want them to respond to my message?

I wanted to post some examples here but I'd rather let you have some practice with it. Take a few moments and think of either a negative thought you had/repeated, or something someone said to you that didn't feel right. Post it here in a response. Let's see how many ways we can change that statement for a positive message that still gets the point across.

Thanks for reading.