Coaching For Life Today - Empowerment Blog

Some things are just too easy

2011-01-07T22:31:00.003-05:00

More and more I find myself posting other people's blogs and news stories. It's not that I've become lazy, the truth is, other people have great things to say. I think it's important to share them. I subscribe to a blog from Marla Tabaka, I've mentioned her before, and she says some great stuff. Since she is a life and a business coach and I suspect, because she writes for Inc.com, that she leans a bit more toward business. That's not to say that her blogs are not useful for everyone though.

Here is a list of 20 questions Marla posted, to ask yourself about a winning attitude. You don't have to be a business owner to want to say TRUE to these. In fact, these are things you can ask yourself for almost any situation. Take a few minutes and read them over, decide what your score is. And of course, I'm here to coach you to get to "TRUE" on all 20 questions.

1. When I think about my vision I feel confident and eager to achieve it. Sometimes it feels like it has already come to fruition!
2. I have a clear picture of the steps I will take to achieve my vision and have confidence that I will learn from and conquer any barriers that may come into the picture.
3. I’m aware of my weaknesses but also know how to leverage my greatest strengths.
4. I have the ability to adjust my plan with optimism when unexpected events come into the picture.
5. When I speak with others I project a positive, excited and confident attitude.
6. I am able to listen to the dreams and hopes of another without interrupting them with my own thoughts.
7. I can accept the need for change in a calm, positive manner.
8. When people disagree with me I allow them their opinion and listen and speak calmly, rather than trying to force my perspective on them.
9. I refrain from judging others.
10. I can convert my fearful thoughts into motivating energy and belief in myself.
11. I consider all possible outcomes and perspectives when I create and implement my plans.
12. I make sure to spend time in the activities (outside of work) that are most important to me.
13. I take good care of myself by eating well, exercising and enjoying lots of laughter!
14. I am able to still my mind and connect with whatever higher power I believe in on a daily basis.
15. I am aware of my values and honor them when I make my plans and decisions.
16. I surround myself with people who support and encourage my success.
17. I take time to contribute to the success of others.
18. When I have an “off day” I am able to accept myself anyway and know that I have the power to change how I feel.
19. I am realistic in my outlook, but willing to step outside of my “comfort zone” to take some risk.
20. I surround myself with resources and helpful people rather than keeping everything to myself and trying to do it all alone.

If you answered “true” to at least 15 of these questions, you’ve got great “attitude”! If you are at 100% you have a Million Dollar Mindset – welcome to the club!

http://www.inc.com/marla-tabaka/got-attitude.html

Happy New Year - goodbye 2010, hello 2011

2011-01-01T12:22:00.002-05:00

I'd really love to write some witty and inspirational blog about the new year. Truthfully, I'm not a "new year's person." I rarely celebrate it. Not for any particular rebellious or religious reason. It's goes more like this - I celebrate my birthday which is an acknowledgement of how far I've come since the day I breathed the air of this life. Each year I have a birthday. Each year I celebrate with friends and family. Each year I take stock of the previous year, etc. My birthday and New Years are less than two months apart. So in a way, I've already done it. But I understand the joy and excitement a new year brings (mine just happens in November).

So however you acknowledge the new year - whether on your birthday like me, or on Rosh Hashanah or Mal Hijra or Vikram Samvat or whenever - enjoy the wonder and the possibilities of the year to come.

That said, here is a nice editorial from the New York Times on the new year (applicable to any New Year). Enjoy.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/01/opinion/01sat4.html?_r=1

Step by Step

2010-12-29T19:32:00.004-05:00

So I was perusing Inc.com's website today. I happen to like to read Marla Tabaka. She's a coach too and she wrote an article earlier this month "5 ways to achieve follow through." I thought, hmmm...kind of looks like my EmpowerMap process - ok not really. Of course, most coaches and training programs have step by step requirements to achieve success in various domains. The difference between them is often the perspective you take when going through them. I happen to like the way she presents this information and I wanted to share it with you. The steps are actually a great adjunct to the EmpowerMap process. If you've taken the teleclass, or have had any other EmpowerMap Process coaching, or would like to, these five steps for follow through will be a great way to manage your action steps once you've created your EmpowerMap.

Finally, if you have not yet registered for the next EmpowerMap Process teleclass, time is running out. The next class begins January 13th. For more information or registration go to
http://shop.empower-map.com/6-Week-EmpowerMap-Teleclass-6WT.htm. See you on the Teleclass.

5 ways to achieve follow up:
http://www.inc.com/marla-tabaka/5-ways-to-achieve-follow-through-.html#

Managing Holiday Season Stress

2010-12-08T20:31:00.004-05:00

Research dating from 2004 to the present show that finances are the #1 cause of stress all year round but most importantly around the holidays. As the holidays approach our stressors are exacerbated by demands to buy gifts, entertain, etc. Credit card debt, the poor economy and family responsibilities seem to conspire against us and increase our stress level. Many people cope with stress by making unhealthy food choices, arguing with loved ones, becoming depressed or some combination of all of these. Poor coping behaviors don’t actually reduce our stress. In fact, they can add to it.

This holiday season is an especially difficult one for many of us. Perhaps this is just another difficult holiday added to the list of difficult holidays over the last few years. Business has slowed down, some people are out of work and yet these demands remain. You might be asking yourself how you can get your holiday shopping done without breaking the bank, without disappointing your children or other family members. Demands to conform or to buy the latest hot item for your kids may be undermining your ability to effectively deal with stress. Parental guilt caused by not buying that item is short term. Setting realistic financial goals for your holiday spending is the first and most important step and will have long term effects including teaching coping strategies and decision making skills to your children.

Here are a few of the most common tips to reduce holiday stress:

Identify the stress, evaluate your responses to that stress, make changes where necessary incrementally, first one behavior, then the next. Only by recognizing and tackling these issues one at a time can you make real and lasting changes. When you feel that you must change it all overnight you increase your stress and anxiety.

As I said before; set realistic goals for what you want to achieve this holiday season. Being realistic, not being drawn in by marketing or media messages, about what you need or must have will help you stay on track. If finances are an issue create a budget and stick to it.

Keep it in perspective. Check your stressors over the long term, where do they fit in, how impactful are they really? If the stress you are feeling is restricted to this holiday season then you can let it go more easily. The impact is minimal and studies show that even under stressful conditions most people feel good about their holidays when they are spent with loved ones. Knowing that you will too can help alleviate some of the stress and anxiety of holiday demands.

Remember what’s really important this holiday season (hint: it’s not in the amount of money you spend). In these difficult times our family and friends and the support we give one another is priceless and that’s what makes holidays memorable!

Finally, please remember, there are always people less fortunate than you or I. Share your gifts or volunteer your time to help them this holiday season. The gift of giving is the greatest gift of all.

Self acceptance for a stress free holiday season

2010-11-24T11:05:00.005-05:00

Thanksgiving is upon us and that means the beginning of the holiday shopping and entertaining season as well. This can be a very stressful time for some but it doesn't have to be. One of the hallmarks of my coaching practice is to work with clients to develop feelings of self acceptance. But what does that have to do with Thanksgiving and the holidays you may ask. Well, the answer is simple; a good amount of stress comes from the desire to please others especially around the holidays. The truth is, you can't please everyone and most people know that but that doesn't keep the stress away. Practicing self acceptance is one of the ways in which holiday stress can be minimized or eradicated completely.

Holidays are a time when we get together with loved ones and then complain about it for the rest of the year (maybe).

Through the process of developing self acceptance one can easily recognize and acknowledge whatever missteps might have been taken without all self directed anger. We all make errors in judgment and there will always be others who criticize us for whatever reason they may have. Through self acceptance you will be able to say to yourself or to others, "OK that didn't go as planned but I am still a worthwhile and valuable person." That's really it in a nutshell. Spend a few minutes every day (this season or forever) reminding yourself that you are not the totality of your mistake or others criticisms. You are a whole and worthwhile valuable person even when you make mistakes. Viewing others in this light will also be helpful and go a long way in allowing you to enjoy your holidays and your family gatherings.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Self acceptance blog from the Albert Ellis Institute:
http://rebtinstitute.org/blog/2010/11/15/self-acceptance/

Veteran's Day

2010-11-10T21:54:00.004-05:00

November 11th is Veteran's Day. I've noticed, sadly, that many people have forgotten the meaning of this day to a large extent and there are many reasons for this. Often people confuse honoring veteran's with supporting war. At the same time we take our rights and hard fought freedom for granted. To be sure, there are many rights that civilians have sacrificed to achieve. But even that ability, to gather, to protest, to elect officials that we hope have out best interests at heart, they come to us because someone else puts our rights before his or her own and went to battle.

There are currently thousands of men and women deployed overseas who put their lives at risk everyday. Veterans' day is a day for us to honor their selflessness. To say thank you. To acklowdege, without shame, that there are some people who do this better than we do and to let them know we appreciate them.

Freedom, the ability to make decisions about your life, is precious and it comes to us thanks to soldiers. But Veterans day is not about mourning the lost, it is about celebrating those who served honorably and are still with us. So if you know someone who served just say "Thank you" they will appreciate it.

Happiness takes effort

2010-10-17T22:14:00.005-04:00

It's true, happiness takes effort.
Sure, there are lots of people who are optimistic naturally, who see the brighter side of a situation but that's a little different from happiness (although it helps). Happiness is often measured, in scientific terms, as life satisfaction.

In a recent article, Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, positive psychology researcher, stated that happiness can in some ways be compared to maintaining a healthy weight. If you want to lose weight you go on a diet, if you want to keep the weight off, you make the effort to maintain it.

The same goes for happiness. Being actively engaged - thinking happy thoughts - can help increase your happiness. No kidding, she's even done research on this. Her team found that people who spent about 8 minutes a day thinking about happy events in their life scored higher on happiness and satisfaction scales four weeks later. This is without making any changes in their lives.

Taking the time to think about happy events, or learning how to put these events into perspective is something that a coach can help you do. Shifting your thinking, finding those happy thoughts may take effort but the payoff is priceless.

I want you to be happy, happy people make a happy world. I'd love to work on that with you.

Feel free to share your happy thoughts and inspire others here on my blog.

Procrastinating - putting off happiness and your goals

2010-09-23T23:18:00.005-04:00

Procrastination is something we all do at one time or another. Sometimes it helps us prepare for a big moment like having that dreaded conversation with the boss. Other times it just puts off something that may be a bit painful but completely worth it, like a doctors visit or a trip to the dentist. But there is a different kind of procrastination and it's what we do when we fear change.

Change can be scary but we know at times it is a necessity. There are so many ways changes manifest and some of them are welcome and exciting (new marriage, new baby) and others challenge us (ok, new marriage, new baby, too) like starting a new job, or leaving one to start a business. We also procrastinate in our personal lives when the thing we put off is the thing that will bring us the happiness and satisfaction we crave and deserve.

The longer we put off the thing we want most, the further away it will feel. Putting it off again, because it seems so far away anyway, just makes it feel even further away. Eventually, this procrastination can lead to a feeling of hopelessness and impossibility. Making the change is going to be hard, and emotional. You my think "who knows if I'll get what I want now, it's been so long." But is this really true? Ask yourself, is there something I want that I am putting off? What will my life look like when I make this move?

Taking big steps and making big changes may be difficult at first. You'll be challenged emotionally, I promise you that. But will you regret it? Probably not. Therein lies the question to ask yourself when you put off the things you know must be done. Once you can honestly say that you will not regret this very scary, big step, you can take the step. Fear is natural. It's expected and what connects us as human beings. Putting off happiness is also something that is uniquely human and it's also something that doesn't bring any happiness or satisfaction at all.

Procrastination is just a short reprieve from fear. Living life to it's fullest means embracing fear, accepting it, and then moving past it. So take that leap, whatever it may be and don't put off your happiness or life satisfaction for one more minute.

Happiness - how can you feel it more everyday?

2010-08-27T10:01:00.004-04:00

It's a very rare occassion that I might blog about something with great politcal and social implication. However, that broader context can at times affect our day to day lives and our sense of empowerment. While perusing the various online news magazines this morning I came across an article that made me think about how the social and political environment affects our happiness as individuals.

An article in Newsweek "Blacks are getting happier" makes some great points about increasing happiness. The writer notes that blacks are getting happier and whites are not. While I do not believe any one race ought to have a corner on the happiness markets, there are some valid, tangiable and intangiable, reasons why this is occurring.

"...it is clear that what has changed most are things that we cannot measure, and which spring from rights, heightened status, and erosion of prejudice. Stevenson and Wolfers write: “Our study illustrates that the fruits of the civil rights movement may lay in other, more difficult to document, improvements in the quality of life.” It makes sense that respect and esteem can lift your spirits. It may also translate into an ongoing optimism: a Gallup poll taken this year found 63 percent of blacks thought their standard of living was getting better; 41 percent of whites did."

Another point made is with regard to women, expectations and reality. Women have come a long way in 100 years but stagnation in social attitudes and economic policy frustrates the road to equality still.

So here we are, one day after the 90th anniversary of women gaining voting rights in America and one day before the 47th anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech (If you've never heard it in it's entirety I recommend you watch/listen), I ask you to reflect on how far you have come, how far you might need to go, and what you can do to get there.

The value and importance of these two landmark events, the struggles that lead to them, and how we can use this to benefit ourselves and our communities are worth a few minutes of consideration.

Let's get happier!

Here's the link to the article: http://www.newsweek.com/2010/08/27/baird-blacks-whites-and-the-happiness-gap.html?from=rss

Karma?

2010-08-21T17:51:00.003-04:00

I have often toyed with the idea of Karma. Whether or not you believe in a higher power, God or what have you, almost everyone believes that there is balance in the universe. At some point, we will be rewarded for our thoughtful and kind behavior. I take this belief seriously for two reasons:
1) I'd rather err on the side of goodness.
2) It feels good to be thoughtful and kind.

In the past few days I have needed to speak with technical representatives about my website about 3 times. With each of these contacts I received a survey in my email to rate my experience.

Luckily, I was very pleased. As I filled out the surveys I thought about how important it was to do so. Not necessarily so the company can "improve customer service" but because the people who worked with me deserved the recognition.

I always take their name down and in the comments section of the survey I refer to him or her by name and explain specifically why I was happy with their help. I also thought about how I would respond if I was not pleased. I considered Karma. If I am not embellishing or speaking through my anger, I am erring on the side of goodness. This will hopefully be returned to me someday in some form when needed. If not it still feels good to be thoughtful and kind.

So, I want to encourage you to please fill out these surveys and use the following tips:
1) Use the reps. name whenever possible in your response
2) Seperate the rep. from the company if your problem cannot be resolved
3) Say something specific about why the rep. pleased you
4) If you were not happy with the rep. say so in an objective and helpful way

There are lots of other ways to let a company or service provier know you are happy/unhappy. But when that survey comes to your inbox consider Karma before you delete it.

Never miss an opportunity to have the Gods smile upon you!

Appreciating differences

2010-08-11T17:34:00.005-04:00

In a New York Times opinion piece this week, columnist Maureen Dowd discusses the stunting of our personal growth through our carefully selective approach to association.

I agree with her. In fact, more and more we, individuals that is, close ourselves off from people who do not think like us, or do not come from similar circumstances, share our belief systems, etc. More and more, we are preventing not only our personal growth but our social and societal evolution.

A few years back some social scientists did a study. They presented a group of people, with mixed political views, the opportunity to read some information that they agreed with or read information that was different from their views. In 67% of instances, the respondents chose to read a viewpoint that they agreed with. Now you may say, of course they would. People like to have their ideas validated that is part of the human condition.

But overall, it prevents us from growing, from understanding and respecting one another. Imagine you were in a library, and the only books available were books you already read. How would you learn? You may have beliefs and ideas that will never change or be only slightly modified as you grow older. That's OK. But we have opportunities to learn and build alliances with all kinds of people throughout our lives. We may choose not to once we have all the information, but choosing not to acquire that information will only be a hindrance.

There was an episode of the Twilight Zone where an intemperate man wished everyone were like him. When he awoke the next day his wish came true. He was completely miserable. The world grows and develops and progresses through differences and learning how to live, manage, and respect them. When you have the opportunity to meet or talk to someone who has an opposing viewpoint or appears to fit an unflattering stereotype, take the time to know him or her as an individual. Expand your understanding and it will be returned in the manner of stronger relationships and better understanding of those who inhabit this world.

link to the article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/11/opinion/11dowd.html

Staying Balanced

2010-07-20T13:44:00.003-04:00

Balance is one of the most important parts of our lives and it is one of the most misunderstood parts as well. Many people have the tendency to view balance as a black and white issue, not just the give and take of life. For example, when good things happen to you and all around you, it's not uncommon to worry about when it will go away, or when something not so good is going to happen.

But balance is really a game of opportunities, not opposites. If we imagine a scale, not a bathroom scale, but the scales of justice. We have the blindfolded woman holding a scale in her left and right hand. One of those scales is you, the other scale is the world. When you receive good things, they weigh your side down, it's wonderful, but it can be overwhelming. But when failure and disappointment come your way, they still end up on your scale. That's not balance. It's being on the receiving end, constantly. Recognizing opportunities to give back to the world is how real balance is created.

There is an unfortunate truth that good things can be shared but disappointments are tailor made. That's actually not a bad thing because when we feel disappointed or hurt we don't really want to make others feel that way. Those negative situations should not stop you from being in balance and taking advantage of opportunities. You can still create balance by recognizing opportunities to give positive feedback, encouragement, volunteer your time, and any number of things to even out the scales.

So when you are experiencing all the great things the world has to offer, don't worry about something bad, be aware of the opportunity to share with the world and remain in balance.

Unknown Unknowns

2010-06-26T12:21:00.003-04:00

This past week there was a five part series on a phenomenon called Anosognosia in the New York Times by Errol Morris. Anosognosia is the term used for people who have a brain injury that causes paralysis AND also leaves them unaware of the paralysis. This is interesting because when you ask someone with this condition to move their paralyzed limb they will simply give you a reason why they do not need to, rather than say "oh you know I can't do that, it's paralyzed." The question for psychiatrists is whether this is part of the injury or some other deeply ingrained defense mechanism. So far the jury is still out.

This got me thinking about ways in which we are unaware of things as well. Don Rumsfeld, several years ago used the phrase "Unknown Unknowns." Some people scoffed at the usage but it has important ramifications, especially in our everyday life. We operate under three conditions:
Known - Knowns; which is the stuff we are aware of and know fully.
Known - Unknowns; which is stuff we are aware of but have no knowledge about (like how to fly a plane or perform brain surgery)
Unknown - Unknowns; these are things in which we aren't even aware of their existence AND we don't know that we are unware of them. A good example of this I think comes from the banking industry. Prior to 2008 few people had heard of a credit default swap and didn't know they'd never heard of it. That is an unknown unknown. Once we heard of it, it became a known unknown. Another exmaple; remember as a child when you first began school. You knew there was such a thing as the alphabet and math but you were very likely unaware of calculus, nor were you aware that you were unaware of it. At some point during middle school or high school the word and concept became known to you, etc.

So what does this all mean? Most of our day is spent operating within the parameters of known knowns, and known unknowns. Sometimes we turn those unknowns (perhaps learning to fly a plane) into a known. But we are often completely oblivious to the fact that we could randomly learn about something that we currently have no idea of it's existence. Sounds confusing? It doesn't need to be. When we find out about something years later (like those default swaps) we say, "why didn't I know that?" or "I can't believe I trusted that guy with my money!" But rather than experiencing guilt or anger at the unknown unknown, it's important to recognize that at the time you made a decision, you made it with all the knowledge that was available to you at that time.

My challenge to you now is, seek out an unknown unknown. How can you do that? In many ways in fact and the internet is a wonderful place to start. Choose a phrase or a period in history or subject like Physics and do a search. You are bound to come across something that makes you think "I never knew that, and I never knew I didn't know it." You can make this journey of discovery fun. Be open, be in learner mode and you'll begin to recognize when something goes from being an unknown unknown to a known unknown and ultimately a known known.

link to the NYT article: http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/20/the-anosognosics-dilemma-1/?scp=1&sq=anosognosia&st=cse

Here's to your health

2010-06-02T19:39:00.004-04:00

I don't normally blog about specific health information. But I came across an article written by Dr. Christiane Northrup today and I had to share it. Although she is an Ob/gyn and writes books titled Women's Bodies/Women's Wisdom (which I do recommend), the information she provides in this article is really for anyone.

Please take a look, also you can catch her on TV talking about this very topic.

Here's to your health!!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christiane-northrup/osteoporosis-treatment-a_b_585528.html

Expectations...

2010-05-17T12:38:00.007-04:00

I was interviewd this week by tennis and mental toughness coach Ed Tseng. We talked about expectations. Expectations are an interesting thing because we live by them very often and more often they are the source of our stress. We either live up to them or we do not, other's live up to ours or they do not. We tend to forgive our friends and family for not living up to our expectations but we are often much harder on ourselves. This goes back to self compassion and self kindness. Are you creating realistic expectations for yourself? Are you being honest about the results of living up to them?

It's important to set goals for yourself and create expectations around those goals. These could be small goals such as daily living endeavors, clean the house, do the laundry, meet with your boss or employees, etc. They could be more future oriented goals such as complete a project and ask for a raise, lose weight, or things of that nature. But what are you saying to yourself in the event that one of these expectations is not met? Are you spending energy on self judgment, name calling, or ruminating on what you did? If you are, then you are being extremely unkind to yourself. When you expend all that energy on the negative, "I'm stupid, why did I do it that way, I can't believe I said that..." you are no longer in a goal reaching state of mind and you've now created a new set of expectations for yourself "I expect to fail!"

Instead, be in "learner mode." Be open and honest about the situation and be ready to create a plan around re-establishing your goal and new expectations about how to reach it. Spending time punishing yourself is using energy and brain power that could be used toward creating a new and better result. So first determine if you are setting realistic expectations for yourself. Then ask yourself if it's useful to beat yourself up or is it more useful to use that energy to move forward.

Please share your experiences about changing expectations for yourself. I'd love to hear about them.

Here I go...springing

2010-04-10T11:30:00.004-04:00

Since I decided to put my Visual empowerment map idea into a book, I've been jotting down ideas and inspirations everywhere. Whenever I think of something that I either want to mention or that has inspired me, I write it down. All these things have been great in terms of keeping my thoughts flowing. Whereve I go, I have a pad in my purse and I write. Sometimes it's just a few sentences, other times it's pages. But putting it together in a book is much harder work.

But what kind of empowerment coach would I be if I didn't take my own advice. So this weekend I am springing into action, as my blog says. No, I won't be cleaning out my closets, although I did partially clear out my dressers recently. I will be springing into action by taking all of my hand written notes and ideas and putting them together into a coherent file. Today I will be typing...typing...typing!

The idea of sitting here for a long period of time doing that is both exciting and irritating. I have to sit still...for hours! But I'll have accomplished a lot by the time I am done. So, exciting yes for what I'll have, but irritating because sitting still is a little hard.

Wish me luck and please feel free to comment, give me ideas, let me know what you think is important information that other people might benefit from. Thank you!

Spring Into Action

2010-04-07T10:13:00.006-04:00

Spring is here!

Which also means spring cleaning.
This can be an overwhelming process for some of us. Whether you are cleaning out a single closet or the whole house, or getting your garden ready to bloom, spring cleaning is a great time to practice your organization and prioritization skills. When you look at that clutter do you stand there envisioning all the steps you will take or do you jump right in? Jumping right in may seem like the best way to go sometimes but that can also be more time consuming and stressful.

Here are some tips for spring cleaning that will enable you to focus and enjoy it.
First, prepare your materials (garbage bags, new boxes, donation bags, etc.). Once you have all of these items ready, it's just a matter of filling them up as you go. If you are doing this alone, choose an area that you can handle in a couple of hours. When you come across items that you are not sure what to do with try this; think about how long it's been sitting in that closet. If it's been there for a year, two years, but you haven't really missed it, you probably don't need it taking up any more space (this does not apply to sentimental items, of course).

Having your bags and boxes prepared in advance allows you keep the mess to a minimum as you go through all your old belongings and decorative items. Instead of having all these items strewn about the room, they are already placed where they need to go. This will minimize the stress and sense of being overwhelmed you may get from looking at all that stuff that you need to dig through. Your garbage is already bagged, your donations are already bagged or boxed and you've repackaged the remaining items in a more efficient and space saving container as you go along. Now all you have to do is put those items back in the closet and you're done.

Of course going through these items may be a trip down memory lane so enjoy that. Handle these objects, rememeber why you have them. Let them bring you back. Be in that moment. No matter what you decide to do with some of these items take the time to enjoy them and appreciate them all over again.

If you really feel lost in this process, especially if you need to clear out an entire house, you can hire a professional organizer. Often they will give you tips on how to maintain order, specific to your home.

Clarifying What Matters To You

2010-03-19T16:09:00.005-04:00

Lately, I've been presenting workshops on creating your Visual Empowerment Map. Part of that process includes clarifying your goals. For example, one of my attendees wants to have more leisure time and build a new business. Clarification of the goals came from the realization that leisure time would follow as the business became successful and she could afford to take more vacations, etc. She really only had to work on one thing, not two.

Recently I was invited to a demonstration and offer to join a multi level marketing team (MLM). While the company had a product to sell, the sales pitch was all about just signing up more people to that business in order to earn more money. Interesting, sure. Good earning potential, yup, that was there too. However, I sensed that the woman presenting was having difficulty understanding why I didn't want in on this opportunity.

Lots of people want to earn extra money and I'm guilty of that too! But for me, coaching is where I am most authentic. Leading my workshops and partnering with clients so that they live every day empowered to be who and what they most desire. No product, no MLM can do that for me. It was actually kind of difficult to get this point across but it was important.

Clarifying who you are and what you want most, then going out and getting it, is part of how we become satisfied in our lives. Taking on a business opportunity like the one I was offered is great for a lot of people. But it was not for me. My goal is to build a network of friends, clients, workshop attendees and business associates who are living authentically (whatever that means for them). That's the goal I have clarified for myself.

Deciding what is the best way for you to express your authenticity and reaching your goals (personal and financial) is a journey. It's one you can take on your own, with friends or even with a coach. But it's yours. So whatever you take on, be authentic in your choice. If someone else doesn't understand it then that means they are on a journey different from yours, even if your destinations are the same.

"Do what you love, the money will follow." -Marsha Sinetar

Visual Empowerment Map

2010-03-09T22:31:00.003-05:00

So, the workshop this past Sunday was great. It was small but everyone got something out of it. I'm very happy that it was a success. I'll be booking more workshops on creating your visual empowerment map. I've also learned a thing or two about this particular process since this was my first official workshop on the subject. First, you don't have to actually bring all the supplies. As a matter of fact, nobody used a single one. But what was learned during the discussion of the process and each person's experience contributing to it was priceless.

All of the participants shared their goals and their story and learned from eachother as well. That is a beautiful thing to achieve because we all can learn from one another no matter how different we may think we are.

Please contact me for more information on this process. I truly believe in it and your ability to use it to become successful in whatever you choose.

Changing the look, again

2010-03-07T19:08:00.003-05:00

I had to revert to a standard template here. I don't like it but it seems all the HTML codes on the custom templates are defective and redirect traffic. I hope someone at google is working on this. So, for the moment, a less than stellar page.

A little self compassion

2010-02-25T10:03:00.008-05:00

With kindness, with love and compassion, with this feeling that is the essence of brotherhood, sisterhood, one will have inner peace.
Dalai Lama

Compassion is something many of us strive to achieve. It means that we can feel, empathize, and understand another's suffering and physical or emotional pain. But often we fail to have this same compassion with ourselves. When we fail at something our little voice tells us we are failures or stupid and that we should give up. Nothing could be further from the truth. Failure and mistakes are part of life. This is what we tell our friends and family when we comfort them during troubled times. Failures and mistakes, while part of our existence, are not what defines us. They are but one facet of a multi-faceted existence. So what can we do to take our own advice, to apply some of that compassion to ourselves?

We need to consider a few things here; We make mistakes! It's true but what does it really mean? It means we are like everyone else and it's OK to be that way. As human beings we are more alike than different anyway. When we do not accept ourselves, when we deny ourselves compassion we are separating from the world. By doing so we remain in our compassion-less space, alone.

There is a simple question I have my clients ask themselves at moments like this; "What would you say to your friend in this same situation?" Then take your own advice. Self compassion occurs when we examine our failures and disappointments without criticism or judgment. We say to ourselves "I made a mistake" or "I failed at this thing that was important to me." Recognizing the reality is the first step. Step two is offering the understanding and comfort you would to a friend and knowing you deserve that much. Acknowledging that you are not perfect but that this failure or disappointment is momentary. Also bear in mind you are not alone and perhaps you can reach out to someone who shares this experience to find out how he or she overcame it.

Self-compassion is an important part of the journey toward growth. Without it we get stuck in a loop of negative thoughts and punishments. We begin to actually believe that we deserve all the hardships and disappoinments. Instead, what we could be doing is using these experiences as challenges to learn and to grow from. To recognize our own humanity and accept it. You owe it to yourself to apply the same compassion that you have given so freely to others.

If you would like some guidance toward your goal of self comapssion and self acceptance please contact me, I'd love to be a part of that.

Please leave your thoughts and comments, I'd love to hear the lessons you've learned while on this journey.

Bold Steps Toward Making Change Happen

2010-01-26T17:45:00.005-05:00

"Freedom lies in being bold. "
Robert Frost

What does it mean to take a bold step? Sometimes in certain situations baby steps are required. For example, when you begin a new exercise regimen you can't go full blast or you could get injured. But taking that first step toward any change IS BOLD!

In any new endeavor the boldest step you can take is the first step. It's why the procrastinator will start their diet tomorrow. They don't take bold steps toward anything. Once you take the first step you are committed. The outcome may be unknown, you may succeed, you may fail you just don't know. But if you are envisioning change and success that first bold step must be taken.

Worrying about the worst possible outcome does nothing to move you toward your intended goal. Telling yourself that considering the negative outcome is preparing for it "just in case" is important. As the saying goes say "hope for the best, prepare for the worst." Great, that's why they make insurance.

But to be successful you must envision your success; to see your life as it will be when success is accomplished and to know what life will look like for you when your dream comes true. The only way for that to happen is to keep your focus on that outcome. Believe in your vision, whatever it may be, and take that first BOLD step and you'll be on your way to fearlessley making your vision a reality!

New Workshops Scheduled

2010-01-19T17:00:00.005-05:00

I have two new workshops scheduled and I'm very excited about them. Both are taking place at the Center for Relaxation & Healing at Plainsboro. But you don't have be involved with the center to attend these workshops. These two workshops are all about becoming empowered in the everyday.

Workshop 1: Creating Positive Relationships with Food - February 22, 2010 from 7:00pm to 8:30 pm. This workshop is about you finding your inner strengths and the truly unlimited options that you possess to cope with stressful and emotional events in your life.

Workshop 2: Creating Your Visual Empowerment Map. My previous post referred to this as a Visual Empowerment Plan. I have decided to go with "map" because it's more intuitive. March 7, 2010, from 11:00am to 1:00pm. This is a 2 hour workshop, hands on, where you get to start creating your VEM.

RSVP and registration is required for both workshops. Please go to my website to the Calendar tab for more details. See you there!

New Look

2010-01-17T00:31:00.002-05:00

Hi all,

Welcome to my new look. I hope you like it. I think it's a little more relaxed and natural looking and feeling. I am not yet skilled at developing my own backgrounds and templates but I'll get there.

DD

Visual Empowerment Plan

2010-01-06T19:58:00.005-05:00

So I am starting a new project and I'm pretty excited about it. I am excited for a few reasons. First, because it's really something brand new that I have not done before. Also because it's fun and I get to have workshops and seminars on this topic. It's life coaching meets arts and crafts! If you have ever heard of or seen a vision board you'll understand that a Visual Empowerment Plan is something like that but goes a little further. Vision boards are great and they keep us focused on our goals and on winning our games, whatever they may be. Vision boards help to activate certain thinking patterns which is also known as Law of Attraction.

I have found, however, that many people confuse Law of Attraction with just thinking positive and good thoughts. That's really only part of it. Law of Attraction is so much more. I have heard some naysayers go on about how it sets us up for disappointment because bad things really do happen sometimes. But Law of Attraction isn't what they say it is. If you look back at my first blog about reframing words and ideas to be positive you'll see a very simple method of how it works. It's not about ignoring or pretending something isn't happening or hoping it will go away if you don't pay attention to it. It's about changing your perspective. In other words, opening up for the positive. When you remove the words or ideas that elicit negative emotions and replace them with positive one's you attract not just positive events but also a more optimistic outlook. It's not about lying to yourself but it is about making sure that you are paying attention to what's good out there. You "attract" positive people and circumstances not because you've magically made them appear but because you are now attentive to their existence. Plus, of course we know that happy begets happy. Smiles are contagious and so is confidence and optimism.

What better way to make that happen than by creating your own Visual Empowerment Plan. This is not just a vision board. It's not about cutting out pictures and words that remind you of your goal and motivate you to reach it. This is more. A Visual Empowerment Plan is your map that begins today and takes you through to your goal. It doesn't have a timeframe unless you want it to. It does contain some vision board elements, like a board and pictures. But there is more power in it than that. On your Visual Empowerment Plan you include not just representations of what you want but representations of what you have, what you need, and what you'll do.

If you want to achieve better health a picture of healthy food or smaller bathing suit isn't enough. You will look at your Visual Empowerment Plan and be inspired to utilize all the tools you have. To go certain places, engage with certain people, have specific experiences, etc. So here is an outline and I am deliberately keeping it somewhat vague because this is YOUR Visual Empowerment Plan and it's your creation.

Of course you need a board or something. If you are really creative and have a home office, dedicate an entire wall to this - go wild! Here is the part that is similar to a vision board. Pictures, photos, cut outs, prints from the internet - whatever - of things that represent your goal (health, finance, relationships...). Ok that's it for similarities.

Here's what else you should include. Representations of skills, knowledge, inspirations, people, places that are already part of your life that will help you reach your goal (family, friends, partner, meditation center...). Something that represents your progress. When you look at your Visual Empowerment Plan you are not only motivated to reach your goal but learn to appreciate who you are, what you have that inspires you, and acknowledge your achievements or how far you've come. How you choose to have these things represented is up to you. You can use photos, you can draw, paint, use crayons anything that expresses who you are.

There is only one hard and fast rule with any of these plans. Nothing negative! No red circle with a line through it, none of that. Only images of your strenghts, the people and places that elevate you and build those strengths or teach you new one's, and the goal. Your plan can be huge (a wall) or poster sized and it can include as many or as few images as you like. But it must elicit those positive emotions that inspire and motivate you to achieve whatever it is you plan.

Oh, one last thing. There is no time frame to create your Visual Empowerment Plan. Take an hour, a weekend, a week, whatever, but complete it. And feel free to change it or make a new one with every new goal.

Now have some fun and let me know how it goes!

New Years Resolution

2009-12-30T16:33:00.005-05:00

2009 is ending, 2010 is beginning and most of us are probably sitting around making a New Year's Resolution. Will it be weightloss, more patience with family, saving more money, etc...

The funny thing about resolutions is that most of us rarely stick to them. Sure they sound good for a few weeks but then we fall back into old habits. It's not because those resolutions aren't great ideas. Health and fitness and better finances are the most popular resolutions. But often we lack the support to maintain these resolutions. If we say we aren't going to fight with our loved ones, do we remember to tell them and get their buy in? If we say we are going to get healthy and eat right are we sticking to the grocery list when we shop (sticking to the list also saves money)?

New Year's resolutions are not impossible, out there pipe dreams. They are desires and goals that can be achieved. But no man is an island and often these resolutions fall by the wayside because we are not telling people. Studies show that by making statements about our decisions, out loud and to others, we are more likely to stick to them. Resolutions are no different. If you tell your friends and coworkers your plan is to eat healthier this year and then you don't, someone may say something. Instead of saying "wow that was a snide remark" remember it's your promise to yourself. OK, I know, they don't have to say it like that, but the message is probably true.

Regardless of your resolution this year you can make it work if you want to. Oftentimes we take the easy way out and fall back on old habits because they are comfortable. Stepping into the great unknown of new health or better relationships is intimidating. But the end result is in fact good health or healthier relationships. So why be afraid of it?

Of course solid support helps. Not everyone has it though. So if people undermine your diet or provoke arguments you need to build up some type of resistance.

With that I'd like to make a suggestion. Instead of making another half hearted resolution about not eating cake try this; Make your resolution to not let other's get to you (Self acceptance training can help). If you can do that, in six months you'll feel so much better about your decisions that you can start that diet or minimize family arguments.

Let's close the book on this last decade and start the next one with optimisim and the belief that we can achieve our goals. Once you believe in yourself you can make anything happen. Say goodbye to 2009 and hello to the rest of your life.

Happy New Year!

Health and Wellness Expo

2009-11-22T21:40:00.004-05:00

Quakerbridge Mall is hosting their annual Health and Wellness Expo December 11, 12, and 13. I will have a table set up with prizes, giveaways and free coaching sample sessions.

The Expo is sponsored by Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. There will be many other vendors set up and ready to talk about all aspects of health and total wellness. Stop in.

Quakerbridge Mall is located on Route 1 North in Lawrenceville, NJ.

Holidays Are Coming; How Are You Preparing For The Stress?

2009-10-24T18:06:00.005-04:00

From 2004 to the present, finances have been the #1 cause of stress. As the holidays approach our stressors are exacerbated by demands to buy gifts, entertain, etc. Credit card debt, the poor economy and family responsibilities seem to conspire to increase our stress level. Many people cope with stress by making unhealthy food choices, among other behaviors . Poor coping behaviors don’t actually reduce our stress. In fact, they can add to it.

This holiday season is an especially difficult one for many of us. Business has slowed down, some people are out of work and yet the demands remain. You might be asking yourself how you can get your holiday shopping done without breaking the bank, without disappointing your children or other family members. Demands to conform or to buy the latest hot item for your kids may be undermining your ability to effectively deal with stress. Parental guilt caused by not buying that item is short term. Setting realistic financial goals for your holiday spending is the first and most important step and will have long term effects including teaching coping strategies to your children.

Here are a few of the most common tips to reduce holiday stress:

Identify the stress, evaluate your responses to that stress, make changes where necessary incrementally, first one behavior, then the next. Only by recognizing and tackling these issues one at a time can you make real and lasting changes. When you feel that you must change it all overnight you increase your stress and anxiety.

As I said before; set realistic goals for what you want to achieve this holiday season. Being realistic, not being drawn in by marketing or media messages, about what you need or must have will help you stay on track. If finances are an issues create a budget and stick to it.

Keep it in perspective. Check your stressors over the long term, where to do they fit in, how impactful are they really? If the stress you are feeling is restricted to this holiday season then you can let it go more easily. The impact is minimal and studies show that even under stressful conditions most people feel good about their holidays with family. Knowing that you will too can help alleviate some of the stress and anxiety of entertaining.

Remember what’s really important this holiday season (hint: it’s not in the amount of money you spend).

In these difficult times our family and friends and the support we give one another is priceless and that’s what makes holidays memorable!

Holistic Health Fair

2009-10-20T22:46:00.003-04:00

Short notice...I am scheduled to be part of the Holistic Health Fair in Kendall Park NJ at the VFW on Henderson Ave. This Sunday October 25 from 11a - 5p. Also I will be giving a lecture on Successfully working through holiday stress. Please join me.

You deserve more in a relationship...

2009-10-02T18:31:00.007-04:00

Someone I care about very deeply is involved in a very unhealthy relationship. Her husband is controlling and at times downright mean, and really just for the fun of it. In the past he restricted her movements, interfered with her holding down a job and a number of other things. I'm sure you all get the picture here. While it's taking her a very long time to build the strength to stand up to him and plan her departure this behavior has been ongoing for seven years. Most people point out that there is no violence toward her but that is secondary.

One day she asked me "What kind of man treats someone like this?" Trying to be sensitive but brutally honest I answered "The kind of man who is permitted to."

So let me ask you, if you are being mistreated why are you allowing it? Now I am not talking about a truly dangerous situation but day to day kind of disrespect that many people simply put up with, internalize, and then blame themselves for. And I am not going down a blame the victim path either. Each person, in this case, has two responsibilities; one to him/herself, and the other to the success of the relationship.

There are many reasons that people put up with unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationships. I will address two. Sometimes it is with the belief that he (or she) has some kind of anger problem, that you can help them with it, that if you just give them another chance things will change. This anger problem was brought on by _ (insert childhood event here). The other side of that is the idea that if you stand your ground or fight back in some way you are creating a threat to your relationship. Let's tackle these two points.

1) Let's assume your partner has some real difficulty with sharing you with the world. And being the good and loving partner you want peace in your home - not an unreasonable desire. But instead of working on ways for your partner to learn to let go, you simply keep the peace by giving in. Always the appeaser, you do all you can to keep your partner calm, and stable, and happy. This kind of behavior takes a toll. Not addressing the core issue, ignoring it, and taking responsibility for another in this way can have very negative health consequences. Simply standing your ground, after years of giving in can cause even more strife when you start. However, it is to the benefit of your health and your relationship to address your partners behaviors and beliefs. Wherever they may originate, you are not the cause. You must bear in mind that you are not responsible for your partner's upbringing or whatever experiences he or she may have had. It's also not your responsibility to make up for all the awful experiences that he or she may have had. By appeasing your partner you are taking responsibility for things you had or have no control over. You allow yourself to become the focus and target of all of their fear, frustration, anxiety and anger.

2) Let's talk about fear for a moment. Many people have a deep seated fear of being assertive. Perhaps there was an actual negative consequence to doing so at one point in your life. Stern parents, etc. But in reality, in relationships where two people do love one another asserting yourself is necessary for a balanced and healthy life. Let's go back to this guy my friend is married to. She very rarely asserts herself and naturally he takes advantage of it. Even to the point of saying, out loud, that he would not want to be involved with someone who asserts herself (yes, he actually said that). However, on the occasions where she does speak her mind, or sets a rule he simply complies. But the issue is not whether he complies actually, the issue is the paralyzing fear that she experiences when he does or says something that is hurtful or abusive in some way. This is a serious issue as many people, men and women, experience this. Fear of asserting yourself often originates from the incorrect idea that you are somehow responsible for your partners ill behavior - which occurs long before you assert yourself. In addition there is also a fear that the relationship will end if you assert yourself. By arguing back you believe that you are not being a good or supportive partner, you must not love your partner and therefore it must end. If the relationship fails it's your fault, you must make it succeed even when your partner is not holding up his/her end of the bargain. For those who are fearful, there is an assumption that speaking out, creating boundaries, and maintaining autonomy is somehow disrespectful to their partner. After all, once you get married you are now one. However, in these situations, the partner has created his/her own clear boundaries, says what he/she is thinking no matter how cruel, and clearly has their own autonomy. So when you objectively analyze the situation you are not asking for anything your partner doesn't have for him/herself. Nor are you asking for something that is unreasonable or unhealthy.

Everyone who wants to be in a relationship has the right to a healthy and balanced one. Each person is responsible for his or her own mental health and well being as well. When a partner threatens that well being it is up to you to correct it. Even if your partner has his/her own mental illness you still need to ensure that you are mentally healthy enough to care for him/her without negative outcomes for yourself and family.

Have you ever been on an airplane? There is a little speech by the stewards about crash safety. There is a part of the speech where they say that if the oxygen masks drop down, you need to put yours on first before you attend to others. The same goes for relationships. You must attend to your mental health successfully before you can have any further success with your partner.

My friend has concluded that her husband will never make the changes required for them to have a healthy and happy marriage. That is very sad, and it was a difficult conclusion for her to reach. She has spent the last two years in marriage counseling with him trying with all her might to help him to see where he is unreasonable and cruel. It has not worked. But she no longer takes responsibility for his cruelty. She no longer fears asserting herself, nor does she believe that she is ultimately responsible for the failure of the relationship. Just that small step of saying "I am not responsible for his mental state" was a huge weight lifted from her shoulders. She is much more at peace in her home. She speaks her mind when she needs to and has begun to create boundaries. She will be asserting herself one of these days right out of that house, and she's O.K. with that. Because she knows that the next time she becomes involved in a relationship, it will be healthy, because she deserves that.

Wellness Workshop

2009-09-19T22:14:00.001-04:00

My next workshop is coming up soon, again at the Sayreville Public library. This workshop is free as well, just like the last one. The focus of this workshop will be on using food as a coping mechanism. However, that's just a portion. The workshop is going to be devoted to total wellness, including what types of stress trigger some very unhealthy responses and how to change them.

The workshop is September 26, from 1p to 3p. I hope you can join me.

Peer Pressure and your kids

2009-09-05T21:34:00.003-04:00

Peer pressure is a serious issue. As the school year begins and your child is surrounded by many types of children for much of the day there is increased opportunity for peer pressure to rear it's head. Your child wants to fit in with his or her friends and their acceptance is important. They may not tell you when they are being pressured. There are many mixed messages that teens get from many places; friends, media, even parents. Let's face it, kids want to be cool and that mostly means being like whomever they think is cool. Being aware of who your children look up to is vital. It is also vital that you do more than just talk to them about what makes that icon or a friend someone worth emulating or not. Prevention should start before they reach their teens but that doesn't mean it's too late.

There are many things that teens and young adults will engage in due to peer pressure. From binge drinking to drugs, acting up in public within a group to sexual activity, weight loss, style of dress, increasing muscles (possible steroid use) and a whole host of other things. Some of these behaviors may make your teen feel: like an adult, popular, loved, cool, macho, feminine, like part of a special group... Most of these behaviors have negative consequences for an inexperienced young adult. Knowing that they can reject something and still have friends is a difficult concept for teens and young adults because often it may mean acquiring a new set of friends.

There are many ways to empower your children to resist peer pressure, maintain or improve their confidence, build personal strengths, and still have an exciting network of positive friendships. Remember these are difficult days for teens. Maintain awareness of the uniqueness of your child. However, that doesn't mean that you should be backing down from what you feel is right and
appropriate for your children. You are your children's guide through their life. Standing your ground is a way to model the very behavior your want your children to engage it when the time comes. You will have valid reasons for doing so and it will translate even if they don't quite believe it at the moment.

So what are some of the things you can do to help your child make the right decisions?

Help your child practice making his or her own choices in a group.

Recognize and acknowledge when your child makes a good choice in the face of a tough decision.

Explain to your child that people value strength and uniqueness (have examples ready of people you value and why).

Allow them to express what they feel when they are under pressure (fear, anxiety...). Let them know it's OK to feel that way while still making the right decision and standing firm.

Remind your child that he or she has the right to resist the pressure.

Real friends appreciate their strength.

With each successful “resistance” your child will gain confidence in their right and ability to make their own choice. Research shows that with each successful choice we increase our inner strength and sense of independence in decision making. This is very important, especially as children graduate from High School and move on to college, particularly if they are leaving
home to do so.

What are some of the things you can do as a parent if peer pressure is present?

Be aware of what your child is up to. Changes in behavior, grades, attitude, are all tell tale signs that something is up. Talk about it.

Be communicative. Spend time with your teen, provide guidance, love and support.

Be engaged. Know what they are doing, where they go and who they are with, what movies they see, etc.

Be the parent. It's great to have an open and understanding relationship with your teen. And you will have moments where you feel like pals, and that's good. But don't be afraid to correct your teen when necessary. You are still the parent. (All those negative feelings you are instructing your child to look out for when being pressured are the same feelings you have when engaged in the unpleasant task of discipline and correction). Maintain your strength.

Don't make it a power struggle. As your child reaches his or her young adulthood they will want to show their independence. Let them, but not at the expense of engaging in detrimental behaviors.

Always demonstrate your love for you child. This may seem like a no brainer but it should be said. Having a safe environment to return to for any teen is of the utmost importance.

These are basic tips and guidelines for helping your teen resist peer pressure and move past it. You are a role model to your children. They will learn from you. Building your own strength and confidence will empower them to do the same. Each family and each child is unique. There is no real cookie cutter way to manage these situations however these are some of the starting points.

Please share your thoughts and experiences with the blog.

Workshop Roundup

2009-08-17T22:42:00.005-04:00

This evening was my workshop at the Sayreville Public Library here in New Jersey. The turnout was great so thanks to you all for coming and participating.

We covered some standard topics such as non-judgmental awareness, self compassion and self acceptance. By and large the biggest issue for most of the participants was parenting related. No big surprise actually. But one question stood out regarding self acceptance and I wanted to share it with you.

The question, which was a great one, was a concern that self acceptance may just be a cop out for messing up. To say it plainly it isn't, but I understand the thinking behind the concern. In truth to gain a level of self acceptance requires an exercise in non-judgmental awareness first. It means seriously evaluating an event with all it's components, including one's own responsibility. Once you do that you make a mental note of what could have been different, what was overlooked, what your responsibility in it was and how to make a similar situation work out differently in the future (it's not absolution, it's learning). Self acceptance comes after we do this and we accept that we are not perfect and do make mistakes and so do others. This of course is easier said (written) than done.

The issue was brought up within the discussion of parenting insofar as it's a convenient way to not take responsibility when not doing all you can as a parent. In this context however, any excuse will do. So true self acceptance is never truly achieved. The final point regarding mistakes and missteps in parenting is that by acknowledging your previous shortcomings and accepting them (after all, you can't go back and change the past) you are not dwelling on them. By not dwelling on them you are more available to your family.

Dwelling or ruminating keeps us locked in this negative place and prevents us from learning and moving forward in a positive manner. Taking the time to honestly review without judgments and awareness that we are not perfect opens us up to new learning. This is what leads to self acceptance and empowerment.

In all that you do, especially as parents, you do the best you can with what you've got. Some people have more than others this is true. However, an honest assessment of what you've got or had after the fact is an insight. But it's not an open invitation to beat yourself up as a parent. You do the best you can with what you've got and if something else comes along down the road that you didn't know was there before you can't go take vacation on the guilt trip lollipop. It's what Don Rumsfeld called "an unknown unknown."

Ultimately self acceptance, as a parent, a friend, a professional or anything else will not be achieved if it's used as an excuse. Because deep down the person "copping out" does not truly accept himself/herself and is rationalizing. True self acceptance occurs when we accept our flaws as well as our strengths internally rather than demanding acceptance externally.

Please post your comments, stories and/or experiences on this topic. I look forward to reading them.

Coaching Workshops in New Jersey

2009-08-15T21:21:00.003-04:00

For those of you in the New Jersey area I have two Coaching Workshops upcoming.
The first is short notice, it's this Monday August 17th, from 6:30-8:30pm at the Sayreville Public Library. The topics will be non-judgmental awareness, self acceptance and self compassion.

The next workshop is in September, so there's a little more time to register for that one. That one is Saturday September 26th from 1:00 - 3:00pm. This will be a wellness workshop to discuss and work on food and other health related issues. This is not a diet seminar. This workshop is all about how to enjoy food and not use food for coping or punishment. There will also be other wellness topics such as stress, environmental influence and things of that nature.

Registration is through the Sayreville Public Library. Hope you can make it.

Mood Foods are Good Foods

2009-08-10T17:39:00.003-04:00

We hear a lot about diet, exercise, and healthy living. Then we hear about eating disorders, and unhealthy weight. Then we hear about the obesity epidemic in America. There are ways to measure our weight, our waist to hip ratio, our BMI and a whole host of other ways to make us feel good, bad, and indifferent about being healthy. It's enough it make you throw your hands up and wonder what the heck are we supposed to do?

Eat & Be Merry
While it's extremely important to eat right and take care of ourselves we are bombarded with a lot of confusing information. From fad diets to organic food choices it's hard to really know what to do and if we are really making good food choices. In making healthy choices about foods it's important to remember that less (production) is more. Foods that can be grown and picked and eaten are usually the healthiest. OK, foods that come from animals are healthy too. But many foods are mood killers and many others are mood enhancers. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could fill our diets with these mood enhancing selections? We would feel energized and alert and get a lot done in a day. We would be happier too, yes happier!

Studies show that certain mood enhancing foods work on keeping Serotonin floating around in your brain. What's Serotonin? Serotonin is a neurotransmitter. Basically it is one of several chemicals that your brain releases which controls mood. When you have enough, you feel balanced and in a good mood, when you have too little, you become depressed. OK, OK, I know this is not a biology lesson. So let me get to the heart of the matter here. Eating certain foods will boost your Serotonin availability.

Foods rich in Omega-3 fatty acids (salmon, tuna, flaxseed), Vitamin B12 (shellfish, low fat dairy), Folate – which is especially important for women – (oranges, broccoli, soybeans, whole grains), and Vitamin D all help to keep your mood stable.

So what does this mean and how does it relate to empowerment?
Being alert and in a stable or elevated mood will enable you to think clearly and be aware. Aware of what? Of yourself, your surroundings, of people around you and their mood too. You will be more focused and better able to make decisions. Functioning in a stable mood will also enable you to weigh your options with clarity and care and feel confident about your choices. You won't be wondering if you missed anything.

Foods high in processed sugars or processed in general will elevate your mood for a little while. But you will crash shortly thereafter. This will make you feel tired, and sluggish and lower than when you started!! So, instead of eating that 300 calorie mood busting candy bar, eat an orange*. The natural sugars and fiber in an orange will fill you up better than a candy bar. Another healthy choice is an apple with some peanut butter. Quarter the apple, and dab a small amount of natural peanut butter on each slice. This snack is loaded with protein and fiber and is packed with vitamins.

By incorporating these foods and others like them into your daily diet you can feel especially empowered with regards to your health. You can be confident that you are doing something good for yourself. That's a mood enhancer too, and that can make anyone happy.

* you can even drizzle a tablespoon of dark chocolate over the orange wedges if you must. But don't overdo it and stick to dark chocolate, there's antioxidants in it and less sugar than milk chocolate.

C'mon Get Happy

2009-07-06T11:37:00.004-04:00

Spring has turned to summer rather quickly in the northeast. We went from cold to beautiful warm weather to hot and humid in no time. These abrupt changes coupled with the temperature rise can make us irritable and cranky. We get sunburned, and end up staying inside in the nice cool air conditioning. But that’s no better than the winter days cooped up with the heat turned high. It's time to get outside and don’t forget the sunscreen.

Sunlight produces Vitamin D, which can help keep your mood elevated. Once outside you can take a few minutes to get to your happy place. This can sound like a silly phrase but your happy place belongs to you so reclaim it. Psychologists have long known that fun and happiness are essential to our ability to function. But we don’t need anyone to actually tell us that. We know instinctively that fun and happiness are important experiences. Smiling and laughing are not learned behaviors. These are responses we are born knowing how to do. When things don't go according to plan and lead to frustration follow these steps to get back to your happiness. Here are some ideas to keep us smiling.

Remind yourself that it's OK to feel good-don't feel guilty for being happy, and laugh.

Take a few minutes and write down at least five things that make you genuinely happy.

Do at least one thing that brings you real joy every day.

Go through some old photos and frame some of the silly one's. Change them up every now and then.

Put negative events in perspective. What do they really mean in the grand scheme of things? You may be surprised by the answer.

Acknowledge your small successes every day like “I got out of bed on time!”(no small achievement for the late sleepers), or learning to cook a new dish, or changing a tire for the first time and especially for you dads, teaching your kids how to change that tire.

These are just a few examples of things you can do or may already be doing. Reminding ourselves of the value of these behaviors is a big step. Follow these simple rules each and every day and your happy place will always be waiting for you.

Mindfulness can also help you remain calm and regain your happiness controls. In simple terms this includes an awareness of one's body, the sensations, and sensory input happening around and within you. It also includes opening your mind and listening to your inner narrative while discarding judgments that usually accompany that narrative. Make your actions intentional. Be mindful of what your next step is and its purpose. Then direct that next step toward your happiness.

Take a fifteen minute walk in the afternoon sun. Make time for this each day and practice finding your happiness and being mindful. Alone time is a powerful reset button and one that should be utilized and you don’t have to actually be alone for it. You can be in a park or meditation center too.

Have some tricks of your own? Please feel free to share your happiness hints. Thanks for reading.

Rephrasing for a positive message

2009-07-03T17:48:00.002-04:00

Well folks, we've all heard it said, "it's not what you say it's how you say it." Part of creating a welcoming and positive attitude in our lives is to use the words that convey that message to others. Sure sometimes we want to be blunt and get to the point, and that's OK when that manner of communication is warranted. However, if this is your main style of communication you may have encountered some resistance to your ideas and attitudes.

The "glass is half full" manner of communication can also be hooked into this blunt style. By focusing on what you don't have, or feeling it necessary to point out the obviously negative to others is, to be blunt, a downer. But worse prevents us from appreciating the good things around us.

We human beings are equipped to overcome many hardships. We have the gift of reason and analysis. The ability to rephrase is an extension of these gifts. Rephrasing is an important tool in maintaining or recapturing your positivity. Rephrasing can be done in just about any situation even one's that seem particularly dire.

While some people may accuse you of living in a fantasy world for going along as if everything is perfect, the reality is you are just staying positive. I'm not suggesting that in order to be positive we ignore the negative aspects of events. But keeping that perspective in the forefront of your mind is not going to make them any less negative. Remembering your "blessings," your strengths, your achievements will enable you, and those around you to recognize good things when they happen and positive opportunities when they arise.

There are some questions we can ask ourselves before we speak to insure that we maintain some positivity. Using the right words can set the tone for your message to others. Ask yourself: What is it that I want the receiver of my message to "hear?"
What do I want them to think, feel, conclude?
How do I want them to respond to my message?

I wanted to post some examples here but I'd rather let you have some practice with it. Take a few moments and think of either a negative thought you had/repeated, or something someone said to you that didn't feel right. Post it here in a response. Let's see how many ways we can change that statement for a positive message that still gets the point across.

Thanks for reading.